some more adoption musings
Nov. 28th, 2004 05:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalI've started to read up ferociously about adoption in order to assess what we're up against. Some findings:
What matters most is to find a suitable family for a child, not to help childless couples build a family. That makes a lot of sense to me - it's the child that needs a home and a future, after all. However, in Britain, agency and social workers are very keen to match the culture and background of the parents and the culture and background of the children as closely as possible. Apparently, they won't even consider Caucasian parents for black, Asian or mixed-race kids. This means that effectively, they prioritise culture and background over love, warmth, and stability because they are keen to minimise the adoptee's identity crisis later in life.
For us, this has two implications:
1) Domestic adoption in Britain is near impossible.
Most of the children to be adopted are 3 years or older. Many of them are not Caucasian; those who aren't are Scottish or English. It's very, very unlikely that those children would be placed in a home where the parents insist not only on speaking German among themselves, but also on teaching the child German. Our only hope would be special needs children. However, these children tend to need a stay-at-home mum and parents who are very skilled in catering for their needs. We don't have the requisite skills, and I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother. There's always a risk of having a handicapped child or a child with learning disabilities, whether you have your own or whether you adopt an infant. However, that risk is relatively small. And children you have yourself or that you get as an infant don't have the added disadvantage of years of institutionalisation.
2) We'll get relatively little support for inter-country adoption.
It is international policy to keep children in their home countries for as long as possible. I can understand why - your country of origin is an important part of your culture, of who you are. But as somebody who's adopted Scotland as her home country, I can testify that those ties are not as stong as they might seem. There are all sorts of reasons as to why inter-country adoption is seen as politically incorrect by many: rich countries exploiting the poverty of poor countries, snobbery of adopters, the feeling that potential adopters should focus on improving the conditions of children and people in the countries of origin so that they don't need to resort to adoption anymore, adopters are robbing developing countries of their human capital. Also, social workers may resent inter-country adoptions because the home study required detracts them for what they see as their real goal: finding families for older children and special needs children. Finally, Scotland is terribly white. It's difficult for children of colour to grow up in an environment where they are the only non-Caucasians and they are very likely to suffer from a substantial identity crisis, dislike their looks, be bullied mercilessly at school, and so on and so forth.
Our counter arguments to these objections would be:
- As long as no adequate support systems are in place, it's only fair to send children who can't be raised in their home country abroad. Why sacrifice a child's future to political ideals?
- The human capital of adopted children is not lost. These children will be cared for very well by loving parents; they will have a future and get a good education. What prevents them from returning to their home countries and sharing all of this with their country of origin?
- We can educate ourselves about the country of origin, have artefacts and pictures around the house, history books, films, tapes, music etc., learn the language. This way, when our child wants to know more about its source culture, s/he will have no problems getting information. And if s/he'd prefer to be Anglogerman, we'll let him/her. (That was a useful hint from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aome.
- We can become friends with other adoptive families, mixed race families, families who've adopted children from other countries, so that the child grows up with people like her. That's what I like aboutaome's set up: her close friends have adopted, too, and she knows plenty of adoptive families.
- When it comes to education, we can choose schools with an inclusive policy, a good anti-bullying policy, or move to a more racially diverse part of Edinburgh.
- Children who stick out will always be bullied, be it for their height, their intelligence, or the colour of their skin. Unfortunately.
I'm also pretty certain that we'll go for an infant. This has several reasons:
- The child will come into another culture, with parents who are foreigners themselves. They will grow up bilingual, German/English. This would be very unsettling for an older child, who'd need to accommodate to two new languages at once, but less so for a very small child. (Note: We will NOT speak ONLY English at home for our child's sake! My mother tongue is just that, and I'd like to be able to speak it at home, thank you very much!)
- I find it quite difficult to relate to older children because I was bullied from a very early age, and so subconsciously I still see children as the people who excluded me. That feeling is on its way out, and you can be sure I won't tell our social worker, but I just want to be honest here.
- Older children are likely to have been institutionalised for some time, and will need extra love, care, and knowledge to help them overcome their trauma. See above - I can't do that. It's better to know one's boundaries than to fail a child by taking it on naively.
We won't adopt a baby from the US because:
- we don't have the resources to pay for agency fees and the mother's medical costs two, three, or four times
- it would break my heart to get a baby, only for the mother to change her mind and reclaim her child
We won't foster because:
- in my view, fostering requires special resources and experience that we don't have, because the children we get will be traumatised
- in a fostering situation, at least one parent should be at home full-time to be there for the foster children, and I can't do that
- I could not bear to part again with children who've become dear to my heart, only to hear they need to be handed back to their mother
We won't adopt through an agency that supports children in their countries of origin because:
- we want a real family. Surely not too selfish a thought?
- I'm not convinced that the money I give really goes to the child. I'm wary of sponsoring London offices, fat cat salaries, fund raisers in pedestrian zones. I want the money to go to the kids.
So, to sum it all up: If I don't fall pregnant within the next year, we're looking for an inter-country adoption of an infant, and we would not like to take on a special-needs child. You're entitled to condemn us for what we're planning to do, to brand us selfish, spoilt, exploitative, and to look down on us for not wanting an older special-needs kid. If you don't condemn us, be sure that somewhere along the lines, a couple of social workers, government officials, and county officials will.
But before you rant, or before you try to change our mind, please read the material in the cut and consider our position. We're taking this stance because we want to be the best possible parents for the child we'll be matched with, and it comes from educating ourselves about problems and challenges and from knowing our own limitations. In future, when I get comments such as "why don't you foster?" or "why don't you adopt?", I'll refer the commenter to this entry and move the debate here. We will have to defend ourselves so many times in RL when the time comes to adopt that I want to save my breath for those occasions.
Again, I don't ask you to agree with me. I just ask you to listen carefully to what I have to say before you criticise our decisions or suggest alternative options. If you're infertile, everybody has opinions, everybody knows how to solve your problem. Very few people trust that you've investigated our options, and very few people respect that you are the expert on your own condition. I'm not at the stage yet where it leaves me cold to hear for the gazillionth time "Why don't you adopt/try IVF/change your position during sex/...".
What matters most is to find a suitable family for a child, not to help childless couples build a family. That makes a lot of sense to me - it's the child that needs a home and a future, after all. However, in Britain, agency and social workers are very keen to match the culture and background of the parents and the culture and background of the children as closely as possible. Apparently, they won't even consider Caucasian parents for black, Asian or mixed-race kids. This means that effectively, they prioritise culture and background over love, warmth, and stability because they are keen to minimise the adoptee's identity crisis later in life.
For us, this has two implications:
1) Domestic adoption in Britain is near impossible.
Most of the children to be adopted are 3 years or older. Many of them are not Caucasian; those who aren't are Scottish or English. It's very, very unlikely that those children would be placed in a home where the parents insist not only on speaking German among themselves, but also on teaching the child German. Our only hope would be special needs children. However, these children tend to need a stay-at-home mum and parents who are very skilled in catering for their needs. We don't have the requisite skills, and I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother. There's always a risk of having a handicapped child or a child with learning disabilities, whether you have your own or whether you adopt an infant. However, that risk is relatively small. And children you have yourself or that you get as an infant don't have the added disadvantage of years of institutionalisation.
2) We'll get relatively little support for inter-country adoption.
It is international policy to keep children in their home countries for as long as possible. I can understand why - your country of origin is an important part of your culture, of who you are. But as somebody who's adopted Scotland as her home country, I can testify that those ties are not as stong as they might seem. There are all sorts of reasons as to why inter-country adoption is seen as politically incorrect by many: rich countries exploiting the poverty of poor countries, snobbery of adopters, the feeling that potential adopters should focus on improving the conditions of children and people in the countries of origin so that they don't need to resort to adoption anymore, adopters are robbing developing countries of their human capital. Also, social workers may resent inter-country adoptions because the home study required detracts them for what they see as their real goal: finding families for older children and special needs children. Finally, Scotland is terribly white. It's difficult for children of colour to grow up in an environment where they are the only non-Caucasians and they are very likely to suffer from a substantial identity crisis, dislike their looks, be bullied mercilessly at school, and so on and so forth.
Our counter arguments to these objections would be:
- As long as no adequate support systems are in place, it's only fair to send children who can't be raised in their home country abroad. Why sacrifice a child's future to political ideals?
- The human capital of adopted children is not lost. These children will be cared for very well by loving parents; they will have a future and get a good education. What prevents them from returning to their home countries and sharing all of this with their country of origin?
- We can educate ourselves about the country of origin, have artefacts and pictures around the house, history books, films, tapes, music etc., learn the language. This way, when our child wants to know more about its source culture, s/he will have no problems getting information. And if s/he'd prefer to be Anglogerman, we'll let him/her. (That was a useful hint from
aome.- We can become friends with other adoptive families, mixed race families, families who've adopted children from other countries, so that the child grows up with people like her. That's what I like about
aome's set up: her close friends have adopted, too, and she knows plenty of adoptive families. - When it comes to education, we can choose schools with an inclusive policy, a good anti-bullying policy, or move to a more racially diverse part of Edinburgh.
- Children who stick out will always be bullied, be it for their height, their intelligence, or the colour of their skin. Unfortunately.
I'm also pretty certain that we'll go for an infant. This has several reasons:
- The child will come into another culture, with parents who are foreigners themselves. They will grow up bilingual, German/English. This would be very unsettling for an older child, who'd need to accommodate to two new languages at once, but less so for a very small child. (Note: We will NOT speak ONLY English at home for our child's sake! My mother tongue is just that, and I'd like to be able to speak it at home, thank you very much!)
- I find it quite difficult to relate to older children because I was bullied from a very early age, and so subconsciously I still see children as the people who excluded me. That feeling is on its way out, and you can be sure I won't tell our social worker, but I just want to be honest here.
- Older children are likely to have been institutionalised for some time, and will need extra love, care, and knowledge to help them overcome their trauma. See above - I can't do that. It's better to know one's boundaries than to fail a child by taking it on naively.
We won't adopt a baby from the US because:
- we don't have the resources to pay for agency fees and the mother's medical costs two, three, or four times
- it would break my heart to get a baby, only for the mother to change her mind and reclaim her child
We won't foster because:
- in my view, fostering requires special resources and experience that we don't have, because the children we get will be traumatised
- in a fostering situation, at least one parent should be at home full-time to be there for the foster children, and I can't do that
- I could not bear to part again with children who've become dear to my heart, only to hear they need to be handed back to their mother
We won't adopt through an agency that supports children in their countries of origin because:
- we want a real family. Surely not too selfish a thought?
- I'm not convinced that the money I give really goes to the child. I'm wary of sponsoring London offices, fat cat salaries, fund raisers in pedestrian zones. I want the money to go to the kids.
So, to sum it all up: If I don't fall pregnant within the next year, we're looking for an inter-country adoption of an infant, and we would not like to take on a special-needs child. You're entitled to condemn us for what we're planning to do, to brand us selfish, spoilt, exploitative, and to look down on us for not wanting an older special-needs kid. If you don't condemn us, be sure that somewhere along the lines, a couple of social workers, government officials, and county officials will.
But before you rant, or before you try to change our mind, please read the material in the cut and consider our position. We're taking this stance because we want to be the best possible parents for the child we'll be matched with, and it comes from educating ourselves about problems and challenges and from knowing our own limitations. In future, when I get comments such as "why don't you foster?" or "why don't you adopt?", I'll refer the commenter to this entry and move the debate here. We will have to defend ourselves so many times in RL when the time comes to adopt that I want to save my breath for those occasions.
Again, I don't ask you to agree with me. I just ask you to listen carefully to what I have to say before you criticise our decisions or suggest alternative options. If you're infertile, everybody has opinions, everybody knows how to solve your problem. Very few people trust that you've investigated our options, and very few people respect that you are the expert on your own condition. I'm not at the stage yet where it leaves me cold to hear for the gazillionth time "Why don't you adopt/try IVF/change your position during sex/...".
