Can anybody tell me ...

[percival]

.. why I am broody? My husband coos over babies, I get all soft and mushy when I see a newborn, and yet the thought of having two strikes the Fear of G-d into my heart. I'm also afraid of not being able to conceive quickly, and getting sucked back into the grind of infertility. Not to mention the cost of having two in nursery. Right now, conception is physically impossible because due to our extended breastfeeding, I'm still without a period. That's right, folks - I had my last period roughly two years ago, just after I'd been to see my old GP (the one who knew a lot about fertility) who managed to palpate my fibroid. I missed my December period, and the rest, as they say, is cute. I can still vividly remember IMing queenriley on the Friday, hotly debating whether to test or not to test

My, are babies cute ...

Comments

[katinka31.livejournal.com]

You still might be ovulating, even though you haven't had a period yet. I've known many, many women who've gotten pregnant while breastfeeding. That's how my husband ended up with a younger sister who was born the week before he turned one (eep!).

I kind of know where you're coming from, though...I can barely manage my two monsters, and yet I'm hoping to have a third next year. Yes, I'm nuts.

[jiminyc.livejournal.com]

Speaking from the standpoint of someone whose second child became their second AND third, I know where you're coming from on the fear issue. I remember the late nights and the cost (merciful heavens, the cost!) of having three in daycare and the days when it seemed that I never sat down...

Yet I highly recommend it. I'd do it all over again, bad days and near bankrupcty and all. So monstrously worth it to have these marvelous adults in my life.

*hugs*

[queenriley.livejournal.com]

I remember that day... all the signs pointing to a positive but I was soooo afraid for you that you'd test and be so disapointed with a negative. That was one suspenseful afternoon.

I'll give you my period if you want it! 5 months in, exclusively breastfed, he'd had NOTHING else, and I got my period back. And it came back regular like clockwork. Stupid period. I was hoping to be one of those mothers who breastfed and didn't get a period back until he weaned at 2 or something.

I know it was so hard for your to concieve at first and I know you're scared of that again, but I think, if you aren't sure you're ready now, don't try for a baby right now. That's not to say you can't not try, but don't actively try. Two is scary. Surprisingly easier than you think, but also really really hard at the same time (and I had mine 4 years apart, so it was even easier for me than it would be for you right now).

[aome.livejournal.com]

I want to make sure I'm understanding. By 'broody' - do you mean you're stewing/sulking/thinking over something (our use of "to brood") or do you mean you're seriously wanting another child (ie a brooding chicken), despite the fear? Cooing over babies isn't the same thing as wanting another one, so your post is confusing me. I could go mushy over a ton of babies without wanting another one, myself. Which isn't to say that sometimes I don't wish we could adopt another one - an older, waiting child, this time, but we can't afford it, timewise/emotionally or financially. But, honestly, we're content with two, and going mushy over another baby/child has nothing to do with that contentment. It's like - you can drool over a handsome man you pass on the street without wanting to change whom you're married to.

But, anyway - as to the fear - aside from nursery costs and infertility fears, you haven't said what you're afraid of. Afraid of not loving another child? Afraid of not having enough time for two? Afraid of not having enough time for yourself? Afraid of sibling rivalry? You need to specify what's causing you such terror, so those of us with multiples can say how we handle it. I think fear of juggling more than one kid is pretty common - I think more important is your feelings on the composition of your family, whether you've always envisioned an "only" or sibs or whatever, and what your ideal spacing is, even if it doesn't necessarily turn out that way.

[angelofthenorth.livejournal.com]

Are you able to say "if it happens it happens" or is it a risk of being sucked back into the double think of "I'm not really trying"?

I remember the stress of that missed period. Is there anyway of chatting it over with your Shiatsu specialist?

[wang1961.livejournal.com]

2 in diapers simultaneously is the worst

[perceval.livejournal.com]

It's called biological urges, I think ... ;)

[perceval.livejournal.com]

My husband was a second kid, and he wouldn't be around if his parents had been as much of a coward as I am, so this gives me hope ... and he's a most delightful adult!

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Oh yuck - keep your period, I'm happy the way it is :P Poor you - that must have been tough.

As for the gap, good to hear that it works well for you, because we are aiming for a similar gap if all goes to plan (DD settled at nursery, no major upheaval except for little sibling)

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your incisive questions ... I really do want another kid. What I am most afraid of is
- not being able to give the second kid the same amount of quality time as the first one
- having less time for myself, which I need, being quite an introvert
- the second baby being far more difficult than the first one, who, even though she has her moments, is a very good kid most of the time

It's exacerbated by the fact that we don't have close friends who might be able to help, so it's just me and DH unless family are visiting.

On the other hand, a second kid will have the advantage of growing up with an older sibling to love and interact with, and both will learn a lot from each other.

I am also afraid of the yearning for another one becoming too strong. I know that our second option, adopting from China, would not be possible now, because my parents are strongly against it, and that would be really, really difficult because they would always prefer our bio child. At the same time, I'm adamant (now) that I won't go through IVF, having experienced it vicariously through blogs such as A Little Pregnant (http://www.alittlepregnant.com) So, effectively, we would have to come to terms with having just the one. At the moment, I'm fine with that, but who knows what will get unleashed once we start trying for another in earnest?

[perceval.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether I'll be able to say "if it happens it happens" - that's the main point.

[angelofthenorth.livejournal.com]

OK, just clarifying.

Could some of the broodiness be down to the fear that you won't be able to conceive again?

[aome.livejournal.com]

- not being able to give the second kid the same amount of quality time as the first one
- having less time for myself, which I need, being quite an introvert
- the second baby being far more difficult than the first one

These are all common and normal fears. To be honest, the first two are legitimate concerns and you WON'T have as much time for either of those things but - you know what? - everyone survives and you adapt. Two didn't get the same dedicated time for certain things (ie focusing on colours/numbers/letters), especially early on, but on the other hand, she had a constant built-in playmate, parents who were more laid-back, and she doesn't need me as much, now that she's a bit older. Also, keep in mind that she has a speech disability, and despite my reduced time to devote to her, she's still doing pretty darn well, all things considered. (Besides, MiniPlu likes to serve as the apprentice speech therapist. :D )

You deal with what you are given. Like you, we had a pretty easy-going baby for the first one, and worried about the second being difficult (especially since it seems VERY common for the first two kids to be total opposites, no matter how they joined the family). Two, was, in fact, much more challenging initially - but on the other hand, it meant we had an easygoing older child who could handle that, and could be more independent while we got through the initial tough phase with Two. And I know plenty of people who DON'T have a 'tough' next kid, just a different one, with different issues, neither tougher nor easier than the first one.

There is no way to predict what you will get, just as there's no way to predict the gender, so you just take a deep breath and, if you honestly DO want a second child, take that leap of faith and trust that it will work out. Because, you know what? It does work out. It really does. You learn new parenting skills (because, easier or harder, the second child will be different, so you learn new things - including juggling multiple kids in the first place), and you learn sibling management, and you learn how cute two kids can be together, how they care for each other and play together and represent you and your husband in different ways.

(Incidentally - do you KNOW that your parents would play Favourites if you adopted? Loads of people change their attitudes about things once the baby arrives. I don't know if that would be true for them or not. But if it's something YOU want, you shouldn't let someone else decide that for you. This is YOUR family.)

I can certainly understand fears about revisiting the infertility scenario. I guess all you can do is try ... and see where it takes you. I don't think that will make wanting a baby any stronger than if you weren't trying - but still wanting another one. If you want another one, you want another one; if you DON'T try, you WON'T have one, and you'll still need to go through that grieving process. If you DO try - you might just get your wish. :)