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percivalAccording to this web site, you should let Daddy decide.
Ideally, young girls and boys should not have friends of the opposite sex, and not even fall in love with anybody until Daddy tells his little girl she's ready for commitment. When a young man approaches with interest, he's first vetted by the family. THEN, the daughter is told that she has been found a husband, and they are required to firmly commit to each other. During the engagement, they can then develop a mutual affection, which will sustain them for all their life. (After all, if it's meant to be, God will show the couple how to make a success of their marriage.)
See, Daddy's little girl shouldn't be hurt by break ups. Also, having girlfriends and boyfriends before marriage only indicates that the
Ungodly One is far too emotional and hormonal for their own good (I'm not joking. That's what this guy apparently really thinks.)
This quote gives you a flavour for the type of courtship that is envisaged:
"I wanted to marry a wonderful Christian young lady my parents liked, but didn't feel was God's choice for me. Thankfully I purposed not to even discuss marriage with her without their full blessing... After repeated unsuccessful attempts to persuade my parents that I knew God's will, I finally committed myself to die to the vision I was sure was of God.... My father, particularly, hinted that I should pray about marrying Connie. After initially resisting the suggestion, I agreed to pray about it. In time the Lord showed me I was to marry Connie.
"Although I was not yet 'in love' with her (regrettably I had allowed my emotions to focus on the first girl), with my parents' encouragement I sought and acquired Connie's parents' blessing to marry her. All this took place before I had much emotional attachment to Connie, and certainly before she was at all interested in me. When, with her parents' blessing, I proposed to her she had absolutely no idea I was even interested in her. Neither of us were "in love" with the other. In time Connie concluded that I was God's will for her. It was during our engagement period that we actually 'fell in love' with one another.[11]
Elsewhere Lindvall explains about the process of struggle he had to go through to marry Connie against his inclination. He prayed, saying,
"'Lord, I really want your will. If Connie's the one you want me to marry, I'll make the sacrifice, I'll marry her.... Oh, Lord, I surrender my will.' The Lord started speaking to me that, yes indeed, Connie was the one I was supposed to marry. 'Oh, Lord, really, do I have to?' 'Yes, yes, you have to.' 'Oh Lord, okay.' So I went to my dad and said, "God has shown me I'm supposed to marry Connie.'... It took four months for God to get through to Connie. But finally she saw the light."[12]
(Quotes from Jonathan Lindvall, exact references on the web page)
This view is markedly different to the conclusions I've come to over the years:
a) Maintaining a good and nourishing relationship requires specific skills. These skills are best acquired in a relationship. It's a bit like learning massage from a book - you don't get a feel for what's a good strategy and what's a Bad Idea (TM) until you've stumbled a few times and had some feedback from the person you're with. The book can still be useful, it cna even revolutionise the way you think, but in the end, you learn by doing, not by reading about it.
b) For a relationship to work, the two people involved should have compatible personalities. "Compatible" doesn't mean "same", it means that you can live with each other's flaws and admire each other's strengths.
c) Sometimes, it takes a failed relationship to find out what you really need from a partner. For example, my ex-boyfriend became very critical and unsupportive whenever he felt down and blue. It was a trait I only discovered some time into our relationship, but I knew that I wasn't going to be able to live with a man like that. So I was glad when the whole thing ended. We've stayed friends and are still in touch, but BOY am I glad I didn't marry him.
Finally, my husband isn't the type of man my parents would have chosen for me, but I couldn't wish for a better life partner than him.
I'm sure that similar views underpin a lot of the marriage policies in cultures around the globe, not just the Evangelical Christian who happened to write that web page.
As always, input and discussion much appreciated.
*** *** ***
in a related meme:
Ideally, young girls and boys should not have friends of the opposite sex, and not even fall in love with anybody until Daddy tells his little girl she's ready for commitment. When a young man approaches with interest, he's first vetted by the family. THEN, the daughter is told that she has been found a husband, and they are required to firmly commit to each other. During the engagement, they can then develop a mutual affection, which will sustain them for all their life. (After all, if it's meant to be, God will show the couple how to make a success of their marriage.)
See, Daddy's little girl shouldn't be hurt by break ups. Also, having girlfriends and boyfriends before marriage only indicates that the
Ungodly One is far too emotional and hormonal for their own good (I'm not joking. That's what this guy apparently really thinks.)
This quote gives you a flavour for the type of courtship that is envisaged:
"I wanted to marry a wonderful Christian young lady my parents liked, but didn't feel was God's choice for me. Thankfully I purposed not to even discuss marriage with her without their full blessing... After repeated unsuccessful attempts to persuade my parents that I knew God's will, I finally committed myself to die to the vision I was sure was of God.... My father, particularly, hinted that I should pray about marrying Connie. After initially resisting the suggestion, I agreed to pray about it. In time the Lord showed me I was to marry Connie.
"Although I was not yet 'in love' with her (regrettably I had allowed my emotions to focus on the first girl), with my parents' encouragement I sought and acquired Connie's parents' blessing to marry her. All this took place before I had much emotional attachment to Connie, and certainly before she was at all interested in me. When, with her parents' blessing, I proposed to her she had absolutely no idea I was even interested in her. Neither of us were "in love" with the other. In time Connie concluded that I was God's will for her. It was during our engagement period that we actually 'fell in love' with one another.[11]
Elsewhere Lindvall explains about the process of struggle he had to go through to marry Connie against his inclination. He prayed, saying,
"'Lord, I really want your will. If Connie's the one you want me to marry, I'll make the sacrifice, I'll marry her.... Oh, Lord, I surrender my will.' The Lord started speaking to me that, yes indeed, Connie was the one I was supposed to marry. 'Oh, Lord, really, do I have to?' 'Yes, yes, you have to.' 'Oh Lord, okay.' So I went to my dad and said, "God has shown me I'm supposed to marry Connie.'... It took four months for God to get through to Connie. But finally she saw the light."[12]
(Quotes from Jonathan Lindvall, exact references on the web page)
This view is markedly different to the conclusions I've come to over the years:
a) Maintaining a good and nourishing relationship requires specific skills. These skills are best acquired in a relationship. It's a bit like learning massage from a book - you don't get a feel for what's a good strategy and what's a Bad Idea (TM) until you've stumbled a few times and had some feedback from the person you're with. The book can still be useful, it cna even revolutionise the way you think, but in the end, you learn by doing, not by reading about it.
b) For a relationship to work, the two people involved should have compatible personalities. "Compatible" doesn't mean "same", it means that you can live with each other's flaws and admire each other's strengths.
c) Sometimes, it takes a failed relationship to find out what you really need from a partner. For example, my ex-boyfriend became very critical and unsupportive whenever he felt down and blue. It was a trait I only discovered some time into our relationship, but I knew that I wasn't going to be able to live with a man like that. So I was glad when the whole thing ended. We've stayed friends and are still in touch, but BOY am I glad I didn't marry him.
Finally, my husband isn't the type of man my parents would have chosen for me, but I couldn't wish for a better life partner than him.
I'm sure that similar views underpin a lot of the marriage policies in cultures around the globe, not just the Evangelical Christian who happened to write that web page.
As always, input and discussion much appreciated.
*** *** ***
in a related meme:
| perceval's LJ stalker is pippins_babies! |
| pippins_babies is stalking you because you got better results for the 'acronym' thing than them. They are also prank calling you regularly! |
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 04:09 am (UTC)On the more serious side, it's always helpful, of course, if the parents do approve of the life partner the child chooses (and actually increases the relationship's chances of long-term success), but that's not always possible. And it has to be the *child's* choice, not the parent's.
I've heard the "it can only be God's will if I have to struggle with it first" line too many times, and it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. God is not a sadist.
"See, Daddy's little girl shouldn't be hurt by break ups."
::snort:: Yeah, but condemning her to the rest of her life in a potentially loveless relationship *is* okay, huh?!
no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 01:40 pm (UTC)but yeah, their approach to God's will reminds me very much of the "no pain, no gain" school of massage, and indeed of life.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 08:45 am (UTC)Plus, I just always get a little nervous around people who claim to have conversations like that with God. I'm sure that God talks to lots of people (and I like to think I've heard him a few times myself), but his conversation about Connie left me uneasy. It sounded more to me that he was talking to himself and trying to please Mom and Dad more than God.
Oh well. Hope it works out for him. Me? I'll take the love-filled marriage, thanks.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 01:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 09:54 am (UTC)And like
Sociological tidbit: The US divorce rate is highest in the "Bible Belt" areas of the South. (And lowest, believe it or not, in secular, liberal Massachusetts.) I wonder if "Connie" and this narrator are going to be headed for divorce court in ten years. That or the doctors' office for numerous medications to quell the stress-induced ailments.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 10:31 am (UTC)The good God gave you a free will and a brain. Please use them, folks. He wants you to make choices! There is more than one good match for everyone, I am convinced. You need to make the choice to marry the person.
And yeah...people who claim God talks to them kinda freak me out too. I believe it happens, but...
*sigh* Can't stand weirdness.