some more adoption musings
Nov. 28th, 2004 05:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalI've started to read up ferociously about adoption in order to assess what we're up against. Some findings:
What matters most is to find a suitable family for a child, not to help childless couples build a family. That makes a lot of sense to me - it's the child that needs a home and a future, after all. However, in Britain, agency and social workers are very keen to match the culture and background of the parents and the culture and background of the children as closely as possible. Apparently, they won't even consider Caucasian parents for black, Asian or mixed-race kids. This means that effectively, they prioritise culture and background over love, warmth, and stability because they are keen to minimise the adoptee's identity crisis later in life.
For us, this has two implications:
1) Domestic adoption in Britain is near impossible.
Most of the children to be adopted are 3 years or older. Many of them are not Caucasian; those who aren't are Scottish or English. It's very, very unlikely that those children would be placed in a home where the parents insist not only on speaking German among themselves, but also on teaching the child German. Our only hope would be special needs children. However, these children tend to need a stay-at-home mum and parents who are very skilled in catering for their needs. We don't have the requisite skills, and I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother. There's always a risk of having a handicapped child or a child with learning disabilities, whether you have your own or whether you adopt an infant. However, that risk is relatively small. And children you have yourself or that you get as an infant don't have the added disadvantage of years of institutionalisation.
2) We'll get relatively little support for inter-country adoption.
It is international policy to keep children in their home countries for as long as possible. I can understand why - your country of origin is an important part of your culture, of who you are. But as somebody who's adopted Scotland as her home country, I can testify that those ties are not as stong as they might seem. There are all sorts of reasons as to why inter-country adoption is seen as politically incorrect by many: rich countries exploiting the poverty of poor countries, snobbery of adopters, the feeling that potential adopters should focus on improving the conditions of children and people in the countries of origin so that they don't need to resort to adoption anymore, adopters are robbing developing countries of their human capital. Also, social workers may resent inter-country adoptions because the home study required detracts them for what they see as their real goal: finding families for older children and special needs children. Finally, Scotland is terribly white. It's difficult for children of colour to grow up in an environment where they are the only non-Caucasians and they are very likely to suffer from a substantial identity crisis, dislike their looks, be bullied mercilessly at school, and so on and so forth.
Our counter arguments to these objections would be:
- As long as no adequate support systems are in place, it's only fair to send children who can't be raised in their home country abroad. Why sacrifice a child's future to political ideals?
- The human capital of adopted children is not lost. These children will be cared for very well by loving parents; they will have a future and get a good education. What prevents them from returning to their home countries and sharing all of this with their country of origin?
- We can educate ourselves about the country of origin, have artefacts and pictures around the house, history books, films, tapes, music etc., learn the language. This way, when our child wants to know more about its source culture, s/he will have no problems getting information. And if s/he'd prefer to be Anglogerman, we'll let him/her. (That was a useful hint from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aome.
- We can become friends with other adoptive families, mixed race families, families who've adopted children from other countries, so that the child grows up with people like her. That's what I like aboutaome's set up: her close friends have adopted, too, and she knows plenty of adoptive families.
- When it comes to education, we can choose schools with an inclusive policy, a good anti-bullying policy, or move to a more racially diverse part of Edinburgh.
- Children who stick out will always be bullied, be it for their height, their intelligence, or the colour of their skin. Unfortunately.
I'm also pretty certain that we'll go for an infant. This has several reasons:
- The child will come into another culture, with parents who are foreigners themselves. They will grow up bilingual, German/English. This would be very unsettling for an older child, who'd need to accommodate to two new languages at once, but less so for a very small child. (Note: We will NOT speak ONLY English at home for our child's sake! My mother tongue is just that, and I'd like to be able to speak it at home, thank you very much!)
- I find it quite difficult to relate to older children because I was bullied from a very early age, and so subconsciously I still see children as the people who excluded me. That feeling is on its way out, and you can be sure I won't tell our social worker, but I just want to be honest here.
- Older children are likely to have been institutionalised for some time, and will need extra love, care, and knowledge to help them overcome their trauma. See above - I can't do that. It's better to know one's boundaries than to fail a child by taking it on naively.
We won't adopt a baby from the US because:
- we don't have the resources to pay for agency fees and the mother's medical costs two, three, or four times
- it would break my heart to get a baby, only for the mother to change her mind and reclaim her child
We won't foster because:
- in my view, fostering requires special resources and experience that we don't have, because the children we get will be traumatised
- in a fostering situation, at least one parent should be at home full-time to be there for the foster children, and I can't do that
- I could not bear to part again with children who've become dear to my heart, only to hear they need to be handed back to their mother
We won't adopt through an agency that supports children in their countries of origin because:
- we want a real family. Surely not too selfish a thought?
- I'm not convinced that the money I give really goes to the child. I'm wary of sponsoring London offices, fat cat salaries, fund raisers in pedestrian zones. I want the money to go to the kids.
So, to sum it all up: If I don't fall pregnant within the next year, we're looking for an inter-country adoption of an infant, and we would not like to take on a special-needs child. You're entitled to condemn us for what we're planning to do, to brand us selfish, spoilt, exploitative, and to look down on us for not wanting an older special-needs kid. If you don't condemn us, be sure that somewhere along the lines, a couple of social workers, government officials, and county officials will.
But before you rant, or before you try to change our mind, please read the material in the cut and consider our position. We're taking this stance because we want to be the best possible parents for the child we'll be matched with, and it comes from educating ourselves about problems and challenges and from knowing our own limitations. In future, when I get comments such as "why don't you foster?" or "why don't you adopt?", I'll refer the commenter to this entry and move the debate here. We will have to defend ourselves so many times in RL when the time comes to adopt that I want to save my breath for those occasions.
Again, I don't ask you to agree with me. I just ask you to listen carefully to what I have to say before you criticise our decisions or suggest alternative options. If you're infertile, everybody has opinions, everybody knows how to solve your problem. Very few people trust that you've investigated our options, and very few people respect that you are the expert on your own condition. I'm not at the stage yet where it leaves me cold to hear for the gazillionth time "Why don't you adopt/try IVF/change your position during sex/...".
What matters most is to find a suitable family for a child, not to help childless couples build a family. That makes a lot of sense to me - it's the child that needs a home and a future, after all. However, in Britain, agency and social workers are very keen to match the culture and background of the parents and the culture and background of the children as closely as possible. Apparently, they won't even consider Caucasian parents for black, Asian or mixed-race kids. This means that effectively, they prioritise culture and background over love, warmth, and stability because they are keen to minimise the adoptee's identity crisis later in life.
For us, this has two implications:
1) Domestic adoption in Britain is near impossible.
Most of the children to be adopted are 3 years or older. Many of them are not Caucasian; those who aren't are Scottish or English. It's very, very unlikely that those children would be placed in a home where the parents insist not only on speaking German among themselves, but also on teaching the child German. Our only hope would be special needs children. However, these children tend to need a stay-at-home mum and parents who are very skilled in catering for their needs. We don't have the requisite skills, and I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother. There's always a risk of having a handicapped child or a child with learning disabilities, whether you have your own or whether you adopt an infant. However, that risk is relatively small. And children you have yourself or that you get as an infant don't have the added disadvantage of years of institutionalisation.
2) We'll get relatively little support for inter-country adoption.
It is international policy to keep children in their home countries for as long as possible. I can understand why - your country of origin is an important part of your culture, of who you are. But as somebody who's adopted Scotland as her home country, I can testify that those ties are not as stong as they might seem. There are all sorts of reasons as to why inter-country adoption is seen as politically incorrect by many: rich countries exploiting the poverty of poor countries, snobbery of adopters, the feeling that potential adopters should focus on improving the conditions of children and people in the countries of origin so that they don't need to resort to adoption anymore, adopters are robbing developing countries of their human capital. Also, social workers may resent inter-country adoptions because the home study required detracts them for what they see as their real goal: finding families for older children and special needs children. Finally, Scotland is terribly white. It's difficult for children of colour to grow up in an environment where they are the only non-Caucasians and they are very likely to suffer from a substantial identity crisis, dislike their looks, be bullied mercilessly at school, and so on and so forth.
Our counter arguments to these objections would be:
- As long as no adequate support systems are in place, it's only fair to send children who can't be raised in their home country abroad. Why sacrifice a child's future to political ideals?
- The human capital of adopted children is not lost. These children will be cared for very well by loving parents; they will have a future and get a good education. What prevents them from returning to their home countries and sharing all of this with their country of origin?
- We can educate ourselves about the country of origin, have artefacts and pictures around the house, history books, films, tapes, music etc., learn the language. This way, when our child wants to know more about its source culture, s/he will have no problems getting information. And if s/he'd prefer to be Anglogerman, we'll let him/her. (That was a useful hint from
aome.- We can become friends with other adoptive families, mixed race families, families who've adopted children from other countries, so that the child grows up with people like her. That's what I like about
aome's set up: her close friends have adopted, too, and she knows plenty of adoptive families. - When it comes to education, we can choose schools with an inclusive policy, a good anti-bullying policy, or move to a more racially diverse part of Edinburgh.
- Children who stick out will always be bullied, be it for their height, their intelligence, or the colour of their skin. Unfortunately.
I'm also pretty certain that we'll go for an infant. This has several reasons:
- The child will come into another culture, with parents who are foreigners themselves. They will grow up bilingual, German/English. This would be very unsettling for an older child, who'd need to accommodate to two new languages at once, but less so for a very small child. (Note: We will NOT speak ONLY English at home for our child's sake! My mother tongue is just that, and I'd like to be able to speak it at home, thank you very much!)
- I find it quite difficult to relate to older children because I was bullied from a very early age, and so subconsciously I still see children as the people who excluded me. That feeling is on its way out, and you can be sure I won't tell our social worker, but I just want to be honest here.
- Older children are likely to have been institutionalised for some time, and will need extra love, care, and knowledge to help them overcome their trauma. See above - I can't do that. It's better to know one's boundaries than to fail a child by taking it on naively.
We won't adopt a baby from the US because:
- we don't have the resources to pay for agency fees and the mother's medical costs two, three, or four times
- it would break my heart to get a baby, only for the mother to change her mind and reclaim her child
We won't foster because:
- in my view, fostering requires special resources and experience that we don't have, because the children we get will be traumatised
- in a fostering situation, at least one parent should be at home full-time to be there for the foster children, and I can't do that
- I could not bear to part again with children who've become dear to my heart, only to hear they need to be handed back to their mother
We won't adopt through an agency that supports children in their countries of origin because:
- we want a real family. Surely not too selfish a thought?
- I'm not convinced that the money I give really goes to the child. I'm wary of sponsoring London offices, fat cat salaries, fund raisers in pedestrian zones. I want the money to go to the kids.
So, to sum it all up: If I don't fall pregnant within the next year, we're looking for an inter-country adoption of an infant, and we would not like to take on a special-needs child. You're entitled to condemn us for what we're planning to do, to brand us selfish, spoilt, exploitative, and to look down on us for not wanting an older special-needs kid. If you don't condemn us, be sure that somewhere along the lines, a couple of social workers, government officials, and county officials will.
But before you rant, or before you try to change our mind, please read the material in the cut and consider our position. We're taking this stance because we want to be the best possible parents for the child we'll be matched with, and it comes from educating ourselves about problems and challenges and from knowing our own limitations. In future, when I get comments such as "why don't you foster?" or "why don't you adopt?", I'll refer the commenter to this entry and move the debate here. We will have to defend ourselves so many times in RL when the time comes to adopt that I want to save my breath for those occasions.
Again, I don't ask you to agree with me. I just ask you to listen carefully to what I have to say before you criticise our decisions or suggest alternative options. If you're infertile, everybody has opinions, everybody knows how to solve your problem. Very few people trust that you've investigated our options, and very few people respect that you are the expert on your own condition. I'm not at the stage yet where it leaves me cold to hear for the gazillionth time "Why don't you adopt/try IVF/change your position during sex/...".
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 10:28 am (UTC)Scotland is a lot less whiter than Iceland and one of my best RL friends is a girl who was adopted from Kenya. As a matter of fact when I met her when we were eight, she was the first black person I had spoken to. Agnes (that's her name) was never teased or bullied by our schoolmates (we were in the same school from eight to seventeen). But then again, she has always spoken fluent Icelandic (even though she was adopted at the age of five) and is exceptionally polite person. Really, the only negative thing she has experienced, is when she's been out clubbing and drunken, stupid men think she's a stripper or something.
I know more people who have been adopted from Africa and Asia or come from mixed racial background. Some of them have faced prejudice etc. More common if they are boys. The key seems to be though if their names are Icelandic enough and they speak fluent Icelandic, they seemed blend in well and most people accepted them completely.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you will do.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 10:40 am (UTC)You've made the same decision we made. When you adopt you have to look honestly at your choice (domestic/international, infant/toddler/older, special needs/not) impacts your life. Nobody has any right to condemn you for NOT choosing to adopt a special needs child. Adoption IS NOT about "rescuing" children. Adoption is about buildling a family. I get tired of people who say, "Oh you're so wonderful for adopting her." Wrong-O. My child is the wonderful one; we're just lucky to have found her. [/adoptive-parent rant]
You may return to your regular programming :D
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:16 am (UTC)Speaking for myself, I think I'd go with a three-four year old - they should just be exiting the tantrum stage, less dependent on nappies, and learning the merits of conversation...
but I pray and support you in whatever you come to decide...
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:35 am (UTC)Good luck to you. From everything I've seen of the process, it's difficult but can be worth every second of it. I hope it works out.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:36 am (UTC)I wouldn't be so worried about the child getting teased. It seems that most children get picked on for something or another, even biological children. You can't always control it. At least, that's how it is here.
I hope people don't give you a hard time about it and I especially hope that your parents are able to let the child into their hearts just the same.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:46 am (UTC)Speaking for myself, I think I'd go with a three-four year old
Perfect! So we have a deal - you'll look after a three-to-four year old Brit (at least they'll let you, being British and all that), and we'll look after an infant.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:52 am (UTC)Well, even if we wanted to adopt two to three year olds, it's highly likely that the British system wouldn't let us. We're German, you see. I checked the "Be my Parent" web site, and there was a four year old girl with English parents. Sure enough, adoptive parents must be FROM the UK. That's the way the system works.
BTW, I need to know where you'll be come Christmas so I can write to you.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 11:53 am (UTC)What makes me really happy though is that even if I should get pregnant after the 1.1.2006 cut off, we'll still go through with adopting. After all, it's good to have siblings :)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 12:03 pm (UTC)Your consdiering all the options and whats right for you and your husabnd and thats the most inportent thing.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 12:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 12:31 pm (UTC)I would never, never do that. Raising ANY child is hard enough, and I'm proud of you for your honesty. I would be hesitant to adopt a child with special-needs myself, simply because I don't know if I could measure up to the demands such care would require. Building a family (whether biological or adoptive), is an extremely personal decision, and you need to do what is right for you. And you and your husband know best of all just what that is.
*hugs and happy thoughts*
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 01:51 pm (UTC)You will be united with her or him in the way and time that's perfect.
That's how it always happens. Don't let anyone else tell you whether your choices are right for you or not, because they're not you. They can't know. They can only have their own opinion.
It's your family. Yours. No one else besides you and Thomas get to say how it works.
End of story.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 01:56 pm (UTC)Hmmm - the child's welfare is, of course, very important. But adoption is ALSO about building a family. Not just childless couples adopt, after all. It's a mutually beneficial thing, and I think the attitude should reflect that.
they are keen to minimise the adoptee's identity crisis later in life
I have to wonder if an interracial child's identity crisis is really that much more than a same-race adopted child. No matter what, the child is still going to know that they are never going to look like mom and dad, although, if it's same-race and IF they have some similar colouring, their adopted status will be less obvious to the general public. But a brown-haired white child adopted into a blond-haired white family will still stick out.
It's very, very unlikely that those children would be placed in a home where the parents insist not only on speaking German among themselves, but also on teaching the child German.
Is this something which will come up and you have to disclose - that you insist on teaching the child German? I'm not arguing with your determination - I was just wondering if it was something which would necessarily be a factor, if it was something you had to say, or if you could just not specify that during the application process. After all, how will they know what you speak when you're on your own, at home?
If you don't condemn us, be sure that somewhere along the lines, a couple of social workers, government officials, and county officials will.
Adoption in Scotland is really different than here, if that's the case. It is their JOB to place a child according to the parents' ability - and if you are not able to sufficiently provide for an older or special-needs child, I hardly see how this reflects badly on you. I imagine 99% of the population would feel the same when presented with the same choice, after all. Not one person here EVER questioned why we didn't take an older or special child. Never. No one official, no one on the street, no one ever. They sometimes asked "Why China and not somewhere else" (domestic, another country, etc) and not everyone really *understood* our choice, but even still - I never heard any condemnation.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 02:17 pm (UTC)As to whether this si selfish or not, I for one fiind yo uvery brav eto decide for the two of yo uthat yo udont have the ful and the right equipments to give a special-needs child jsutthose special-needs .it is muc hbetter than to adopt one and find this otu o nthe way and not give the hciild proper care. O na general level I've seen enough situatiosn where kid harld yknows their parents (as in m yparents had elderl yneighbours who had their grandchildren withthem nearl yevery day. the paretns wer at work or payign visits to others...).
Its' liek when you take ina cat andare hardl yat home.
it shows alto more responsibility to note in advancwht yo ucan give to someone. Dont' giveu phope for a child of your own either though *sends good vibes*.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 02:39 pm (UTC)Plus, growing up bi-lingual is a huge advantage in today's economy - it just amazes me that social workers would see this as a bad thing.
I really respect how carefully you've thought about this and how dedicated you are. I think you child will be really lucky to have such a caring and committed mother.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 09:16 pm (UTC)I'm truly, truly shocked that anyone would. You are doing a wonderful, marvelous thing here. Have these people condemning you taken on special needs kids? Screw them and their attitude. And lots and lots of good vibes and luck to you.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 07:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 09:16 am (UTC)From what I've heard, the attitude is "don't be precious, take what we have, and stop whining."
I have to wonder if an interracial child's identity crisis is really that much more than a same-race adopted child.
I wonder, too. However, the culture gap IS wider ...
Is this something which will come up and you have to disclose - that you insist on teaching the child German?
I suspect they will ask. Home studies here are VERY thorough, unfortunately.
It is their JOB to place a child according to the parents' ability - and if you are not able to sufficiently provide for an older or special-needs child, I hardly see how this reflects badly on you
See above - it is not politically correct to want to adopt an infant, not PC to adopt from another country, not PC to refuse special needs. Sigh ...
We might be lucky and get a social worker who understands ...
no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 09:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 09:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 09:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 09:20 am (UTC)nothing is fail safe.
Special Needs Children
Date: 2004-11-29 12:56 pm (UTC)I wouldn't CHOOSE to have a special needs child either. I don't know anyone who really would. I wouldn't love him/her any less for being unexpectedly special needs, but I wouldn't actively persue a special needs child.
Who could fault you for that?