Ok, so I'm panicking.

[percival]

I know that British social services can be terribly unsupportive of adoption and inter-country adoption. The tales I've heard/read about people waiting in vain for case workers, the constant reminders to ADOPT from BRITAIN wherever possible, that one should only adopt from another country if there is no way that the child could be cared for in the country of origin (the last two from a leaflet of a support organisation for infertile parents). I'm also afraid we'll be deemed too old upon entering the process (don't laugh! parents on the wrong side of 35 may well be deemed geriatric by social workers - and my husband will be 35 next year, 36 in 2006. I will be 31 and 32, respectively.)

I'm afraid we'll be denied a child.

But what I'm most afraid of is that fear will paralyse me.

So onward Christian soldier. No fretting about Social Services allowed for at least another year. In the mean time, join Adoption UK, read up as much as you can, talk to as many inter country adopters as possible.

Be positive.

Somewhere, a child is waiting for us, and we'll find him/her.

~frames sit_good_dog's comment~

Comments

[green-amber.livejournal.com]

I don't quite understand why you don't start the adoption process now if it's so slow. If you have your own natural child in the meantime well that's a wonderful bonus. My mother who used to be an adoption panel said it was frequently the case that as soon as people got on the adoption list they naturally conceived - took the pressure off is the usual explanation.

[aome.livejournal.com]

Try to view it this way: If you don't try, there definitely won't be a child (or rather, not a child by adoption). If you try, there's still a chance, despite the obstacles. So, as you said, soldier on. :)

Really wish you lived here, where, it seems, it's a relatively less hairy process.

[aome.livejournal.com]

My mother who used to be an adoption panel said it was frequently the case that as soon as people got on the adoption list they naturally conceived.

I'm sorry - I know this was really well intended, but I have to say that, as an adoptive parent, it is REALLY REALLY the wrong thing to say to someone. Or, at least, to me. Most of the time, people adopt because they have given up on biological children, and the last thing they need is to have someone raise those hopes again by saying "Maybe now you'll have your own!" I know several families where it has happened, so I know it's possible, but it's really not something I want to think about or be reminded of. I have my family, and if something ever happens biologically, fabulous. But I have come thisclose to throttling the nine zillion people who have said "I bet you'll have your own, now that you're adopting" to us. I've set that aside. I don't need to hear it.

Apologies for sounding testy, especially as I don't know you at all. Just wanted to point out how those words can be perceived by an infertile person.

[janeylou.livejournal.com]

What a balanced perspective. I've been lucky enough to be granted the blessing of children, but I can understand how certain words from the well-meaning could raise hopes. My first husband couldn't concieve due to a genetic fault. We tried to adopt and were refused because he smoked! How pathetic is that?!

Keep all your options open. Be strong. If, as in some cases, lack of pressure and stress DOES score you a hit then wonderful. In the meantime push on mightily with that adoption. Explore every avenue. Look in every open door to you. If you can't find an open door ... bloody well knock it down!!

In the words of a wise old bird (My Mum): "God helps those who help themselves."

Stay strong!

[atropos87.livejournal.com]

As others have said, the important thing is to try even though you know the way might be difficult. We'll all be rooting for you and your husband.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Well, first of all we're not permanent residents yet, second, social services usually wait a year after the end of treatment before considering infertile couples, and third, you need to have decided on the country you want to adopt from before you enter the process. Fourth, my husband, who's far more relaxed about the whole thing than I am, wants us to try for one more year before resorting to adoption. Fifth, it gives me time to grieve the infertility and learn all I can about adoption and inter-country adoption in particular.

But I think the first two reasons are crucial here.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

You were refused because he smoked?

Now, smoking is unhealthy, but I'd think that child abuse etc. are far more unhealthy ...

[perceval.livejournal.com]

The way I see it: if you're subfertile, your chances of conceiving in a given cycle are low, but if you keep at it long enough, you'll eventually succeed. For some people, that success falls in the time after adoption, for some in the time before an IVF attempt.

But yeah, if I had a fertilised egg for every time people told me I would get pregnant after adoption ... ;)

[janeylou.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's what they said! Even though, at the time, I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. I owned my own place which had a garden. We were both working in good jobs.

I can understand why they make it hard to adopt with such things like child abuse, mental instability and other delights of the human nature, but sometimes I think they take it a bridge too far, making problems where there are none and creating obstacles that needn't even be there. I smoke. I have young kids, so I puff out in the garden. Problem solved!

*is miffed at authority in general*

[perceval.livejournal.com]

F****** bastards. If that's all, I don't know what hit them. But it would fit nicely with what I've read about others' hurdles.

I readily accept that adoption case workers try to do their best, that they try to find the best possible solutions, that they're hampered by lack of funding, discouraged and demotivated by bad working conditions. But sometimes, people can be a bit overzealous ...

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Who dares wins! :)

[perceval.livejournal.com]

I honestly swear to be the best-prepared inter country adopter Edinburgh Social Services have ever seen.

[tefkas.livejournal.com]

*hugs muchly*

I think it's all been said already, so I'll offer *hugs* for the time being. But know that I am here, and will support in whatever, and whichever, manner is needed.

*much love*