Feminism and the SAHM

[percival]

Here is a great piece on feminism and the working mum/SAHM debate. Even if I don't share Jo's political convictions, I fully support her call for a change of mind. Here's a great quote:

"It all boils down to valuing human lives, inner as well as economic-sphere. Female as well as male, child as well as adult. And there's plenty of talk, but one only has to watch our society's actions to see what we -- or at least those in power -- really believe. Don't buy it! Don't buy the idea that having a career necessarily means shortchanging your children and is unbecoming to you as a woman! Don't buy the idea that staying out of the workforce to raise your children is the anti-intellectual, anti-feminist option and worthy of ridicule and dismissal! Don't buy the idea that if you have to work because you can't otherwise keep up, it's because of some flaw on your part!"

As for me, I don't work because I have to, I work because I want to; I love and need the particular kind of intellectual stimulation I get from research. However, when our daughter arrived, several things surprised me:

• I would not have wanted to go back to work full time - I'd rather have become a SAHM
  
• My daughter has a primal need for me whose strength discombombulates me
  
• When my child smiles, my whole being lights up
  
• Even though she is the child I least wanted when I was trying to conceive (a girl with my colouring), I am now honoured, proud, and completely over the moon with my beautiful Junior Mouse.
  

Our daughter is growing by leaps and bounds. Two days ago, she stood, supported only by holding the rails of her cot. Another development is separation anxiety: when I leave, even for a short time, she misses me. She is not happy to be left wiht others anymore. When my parents came over, they had agreed to look after her for two afternoons and one full day (cinema with my husband, dentist appointment, work). She was very difficult to settle or inconsolable throughout, and refused to take a bottle from them. This is a huge change: at Christmas, she happily accepted 7oz of formula from my mother, and my mother is the person who first got her to take a bottle when she was six weeks old. The only person who our daughter will accept as a carer is my husband. I am overjoyed to see that the three (!) of us have bonded so well, but at the same apprehensive at leaving her in nursery. I've already asked for more settling in sessions, and we'll wield the full mojo of our flexible hours to make sure our darling baby is eased into her new environment gently.

It's really strange, and I'm still not used to the fact, but I'm her MOTHER. I am for her what my mother is for me.

WOW.

Comments

[aome.livejournal.com]

I'm her MOTHER. I am for her what my mother is for me

Yeah, that amazes me, too - when they're sick or scared or need something, I'm Mom. And I think back on how much I needed my mother for reassurance, and how much she did for me, and how that's ME now. It really is humbling and awe-inspiring at the same time.

[shellebelle93.livejournal.com]

It is pretty damn amazing, isn't it? *gazes lovingly at son*

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

Those developmental milestones are always shocking and humbling, aren't they? I would like to think that I'm enough of a feminist that I can say, "More power to you!" to any woman who choses to be a SAHM. Personally I never wanted that, and I'm also lucky that I didn't have to go back to work full-time until Maya was about 7 months old. A lot of women get dragged back into the workforce much sooner than that, due to economic necessity or an employer who'll fire them if they stay away longer.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

How true. And it doesn't matter if your child was born to you or someone else, you're still Mom (Mother, Mama, Mutti, etc.) to her.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,
But still, remarkably, my own
Never forget for a single minute
You grew not under my heart, but in it.

I miss my mother.

[katinka31.livejournal.com]

When my child smiles, my whole being lights up

Oh, I definitely know how that goes. :)

It saddens me that there is so much division and contention sometimes between different groups of mothers. I remember telling someone once that the bottle vs. breastfeeding debate was nastier than any ship war you've ever seen.

[piperx.livejournal.com]

Hmm, so I'm a "radical" feminist by staying home with my child? I kinda like that. :D Great article. It really drives home the insincerity of all those politicians who go on and on about family values. Interestingly, they only use that phrase when it comes to thing like gay rights, they never use it where it would count for most of the country (child care, social security).

As a SAHM who left a lucrative career to raise children, I'm sincerely grateful every day that I have both the opportunity and the choice to do what I want to do. I credit years of feminism for that. In fact, I think I might be going back to work later this year, hopefully just part time. I've loved being home so, so much, but I'm ready to go back. Not full time though.

Two days ago, she stood, supported only by holding the rails of her cot

Yay for standing!

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what feminism is about - having the choice to go back! What sort of work do you plan to do?

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Yes, mothers are special. ((((Anne)))

Interestingly, another blogger who had a son after the umpteenth IVF noticed that what she was responding to was not the fact that this wean was related ot her by blood, but that her son NEEDED her.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

~contemplates your icon~

[aome.livejournal.com]

You haven't seen it before? It's old - from when we got MiniPlu. That's her hand (and Daddy's) while we were still in China.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Oh word - and unneccessarily so! There are so many mums out there who are forced to bottlefeed because of genuine problems or lack or support, so many children who wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for formula ...

[actionreplay.livejournal.com]

FIrst,:-).

I agree that the anti-woman, mysoginistic idea is that only men can have careers, and so only women who have become a surrogate man, and live like a nun, dedicating themselves entirely to said career, are allowed to have one.

Once they start being a "woman" (by getting pregnant and having a kid) they, in those people's eyes, lose the right to consider themselves a surrogate man and so should not return to the workplace.

It took me a while to work out why so many women got fired *after* they returned from maternity leave. It's not like it made any difference then if they were away for 6-10 weeks. It's because they are seen to no longer have the right to play the game...

[joesther.livejournal.com]

The whole SAHM thing is so complicated that as an outsider (who doesn't have a child), I don't even know where to begin. I think people who think it's "old-fashioned" are looking at series television from the 1950s, thinking that all families look like Leave It To Beaver, and that's simply not the case. Nor was it back then, in all actuality.

My thinking on this issue has always been, if you can afford to have a child, and you want to have one, and you're healthy and strong and in a place in your life where it would work for you to have one, then go ahead and have one. My thinking on SAHmothering is the same. Unfortunately, a lot of it boils down to two points: will it make the mother a better mother if she's at home versus at work (some people feel that they'd stagnate if they were only around children all day long), and can the family afford it? If the answer is yes, the mother would feel fulfilled and be a better mother if she were to stay at home, and yes, the family can afford it, then I say go ahead and be a SAHM, and the hell with what society thinks. It's her (your) family, her (your) kid - you have a right to do whatever makes you feel as though it's the right choice and best for all of you long term.

Of course, going back into the job market 15-18-21 years later will be hard. But that's expected. You've lost time, experience, things have changed in your field. Some former-SAHmothers think that they should be able to re-enter the job market after their kids are grown and earn the same salaries as women who've been there all along. I disagree. I'm not saying that raising kids doesn't count, it does, but as far as that company is concerned, it has no relevance whatever to the job and shouldn't count as "experience" or be enough to raise your wage.

... and i just went off on a tangent. I'm sorry: I do that.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

Indeed :D

[piperx.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. I think it'd be fun to do something completely different. Ideally, I'd like to work part time for a socially conscious non-profit organization or something that deals with nature conservation like a wolf preservation society, but I suspect those types of jobs get lots of applicants. When the time comes, I'm just going to see what's out there.