Have I found religion?
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalThis entry is mostly a reflection on religious paths.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-cut="buddhism>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]
This entry is mostly a reflection on religious paths.
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For 26 years, I was a good, even staunch, Roman Catholic. Then, I embarked on the last leg of my Ph.D. and came close to a nervous breakdown. On weekends, I'd spend hours sobbing on the couch.
After I had reexamined my time frame and my goals, I slowly eased back from the brink. Still, I was asking myself: What can I do so that I never get to that dark place again? I decided to take up meditation. The first meditation I tried was a disaster. I'm a perfectionist, and we were to do visualisations. Now, I can't visualise scenes. Or at least, if the scene does not immediately spring clearly to mind, I get so frustrated and angry with myself that I want to hit something. Preferably myself. Needless to say, I was in floods of tears. Literally. There were pools of tears underneath the chair where I was sitting.
So I decided to explore other forms of meditation. And I happened on Zen. I heard from a priest that a monastery where he went on retreat offered Zen meditation. Well, I looked it up on the internet and found a group that met ten minutes from my home.
I was hooked from the first time I went. When I sat down on my cushion, and tried - in vain, I still try to do this in vain - to empty my mind of all thoughts, it felt as if I'd come home.
Where church would move and agitate me, sitting and meditating calmed and refocussed me.
During the last months of my Ph.D., the thought of "just sitting", being with who you are, doing what you have to do, being mindful - that pulled me through.
I now realise that what I did that day was to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. A refuge that Christianity could not give me.
I don't practice by myself - I'm too lazy/disorganised/slothful to get my act together and sit for 15-30 minutes every morning or every evening. (Sod that, Percy. Get up earlier, you lazy cow. Stop snuggling up to your husband in the morning.) But I get up every Saturday morning at 5.30am to catch the 6.35am to Glasgow, just in order to practice with like-minded Buddhists. I 've stopped going to church because I lack motivation. But I still believe in a God, and I still think highly of Jesus Christ. I'm not so sure about the Trinity, although I believe in a Holy Spirit, and I definitely don't believe in the Virgin Birth anymore. Even though I venerate Mary, the Mother of Christ.
What is the logical consequence? Try another denomination. So I went to a Unitarian meeting on Sunday. The music was beautiful, the theology was kindred - but everything was so fluffy. I missed the cross dearly. I already have one crossless worship, I don't need another. My Buddhist community is also anti-war and pro-justice and peace. The form of worship did not feel like home - at least not to a Roman Catholic who used to go to church every Sunday.
I also don't like to spend too much time in my Christian community - Saturday mornings in Glasgow is already a big commitment. And Catholic masses are usually scheduled rather nicely - evenings, early mornings, you name it, they've got it. There's no huge get-together like after other services. Plus, my Buddhist practice is as sparse as you can get (just sitting, Shikantaza). After that, I crave the excitement, colour, bustle, and ceremony that is the Catholic mass.
In case you wonder: I'd raise my children as Catholics. It's an easier faith for children, and I want to start them off as Christians.
Well ... I guess I am still a Catholic at heart. Even though I am very clearly a Buddhist. But Catholicism is home.
Confused?
So am I.
My next step will be to buy and study the writings of Ninian Smart (buy because I need them as a constant reference, and I need to annotate them, which you can't do with library copies), a scholar of religion who's an Episcopalian Buddhist. And maybe I should also talk to Murasaki on the Quill, who's a similar mix of faiths.
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<lj-cut="Buddhism and Christianity">
For 26 years, I was a good, even staunch, Roman Catholic. Then, I embarked on the last leg of my Ph.D. and came close to a nervous breakdown. On weekends, I'd spend hours sobbing on the couch.
After I had reexamined my time frame and my goals, I slowly eased back from the brink. Still, I was asking myself: What can I do so that I never get to that dark place again? I decided to take up meditation. The first meditation I tried was a disaster. I'm a perfectionist, and we were to do visualisations. Now, I can't visualise scenes. Or at least, if the scene does not immediately spring clearly to mind, I get so frustrated and angry with myself that I want to hit something. Preferably myself. Needless to say, I was in floods of tears. Literally. There were pools of tears underneath the chair where I was sitting.
So I decided to explore other forms of meditation. And I happened on Zen. I heard from a priest that a monastery where he went on retreat offered Zen meditation. Well, I looked it up on the internet and found a group that met ten minutes from my home.
I was hooked from the first time I went. When I sat down on my cushion, and tried - in vain, I still try to do this in vain - to empty my mind of all thoughts, it felt as if I'd come home.
Where church would move and agitate me, sitting and meditating calmed and refocussed me.
During the last months of my Ph.D., the thought of "just sitting", being with who you are, doing what you have to do, being mindful - that pulled me through.
I now realise that what I did that day was to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. A refuge that Christianity could not give me.
I don't practice by myself - I'm too lazy/disorganised/slothful to get my act together and sit for 15-30 minutes every morning or every evening. (Sod that, Percy. Get up earlier, you lazy cow. Stop snuggling up to your husband in the morning.) But I get up every Saturday morning at 5.30am to catch the 6.35am to Glasgow, just in order to practice with like-minded Buddhists. I 've stopped going to church because I lack motivation. But I still believe in a God, and I still think highly of Jesus Christ. I'm not so sure about the Trinity, although I believe in a Holy Spirit, and I definitely don't believe in the Virgin Birth anymore. Even though I venerate Mary, the Mother of Christ.
What is the logical consequence? Try another denomination. So I went to a Unitarian meeting on Sunday. The music was beautiful, the theology was kindred - but everything was so fluffy. I missed the cross dearly. I already have one crossless worship, I don't need another. My Buddhist community is also anti-war and pro-justice and peace. The form of worship did not feel like home - at least not to a Roman Catholic who used to go to church every Sunday.
I also don't like to spend too much time in my Christian community - Saturday mornings in Glasgow is already a big commitment. And Catholic masses are usually scheduled rather nicely - evenings, early mornings, you name it, they've got it. There's no huge get-together like after other services. Plus, my Buddhist practice is as sparse as you can get (just sitting, Shikantaza). After that, I crave the excitement, colour, bustle, and ceremony that is the Catholic mass.
In case you wonder: I'd raise my children as Catholics. It's an easier faith for children, and I want to start them off as Christians.
Well ... I guess I am still a Catholic at heart. Even though I am very clearly a Buddhist. But Catholicism is home.
Confused?
So am I.
My next step will be to buy and study the writings of Ninian Smart (buy because I need them as a constant reference, and I need to annotate them, which you can't do with library copies), a scholar of religion who's an Episcopalian Buddhist. And maybe I should also talk to Murasaki on the Quill, who's a similar mix of faiths.
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