why we won't foster

[percival]

This is in response to a reply to my last post by angelofthenorth, which got me thinking.

Should people who go for IVF or other conception aids foster a child before they are granted help? This strategy has a lot going for it, to be sure. It would make parents reevaluate whether they really want a child, whether they can cope with a child who has problems, and whether they can deal with the relentlessness of it all.

But this effectively boils down to the question whether potential parents should be able to cope with children with grave behavioural difficulties and deep seated psychological damage before they are allowed to have children.

This is really a difficult one. By those standards, MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE because I am pretty sure that the two of us will not be able to handle a child who has suffered so much abuse that s/he is unable to connect to anybody. The two of us will not be able to deal with the constant challenges by a child who has been deeply deprived in his/her early childhood. The chances of a child of ours to be deeply deprived in their childhood is minimal of course even though I plan to be WORKING and hence will be a BAD MOTHER COMPLETELY UNFIT FOR CHILDREN.

So maybe it's good that we haven't conceived yet, because we're clearly unfit to be parents?

(ETA: I'd rather volunteer to work with children in need a couple of hours a week to work on reading or social skills or to provide safe touch than foster. This way, I'd do my thing, even though I AM TOO BLOODY INEPT TO HAVE MY OWN BABY.)

Comments

[cynthia-black.livejournal.com]

I echo what slowfox said.

While I think there is something to be said for couples with infertility problems at least considering fostering and adoption before they jump into IVF, and even more to be said for gaining some parenting skills/advice before having kids, I do not think it is something that should be forced on a couple in that situation.

It is a very special person who can foster a child who may have behavioural and other difficulties, when they know that the child is not *theirs* and could be taken away again at any time, depending on the circumstances of the natural parents. It does not encourage bonding with the child, because the carer would just be setting themselves up to be hurt. I know I couldn't do it.

It is not a standard you should hold yourself and your husband up to - you do not necessarily need to be able to cope with the emotional havoc already wreaked by someone else on a child to be able to parent your own child(ren) effectively.

No parent feels fully adequate for the task of bringing up children (none that I've met anyway), and those that go into parenthood thinking they've got it all sussed generally change their minds pretty quickly!

And if a mother working makes her a Bad Mother Unfit For Children, then I should have mine taken away from me forthwith. I've always been very clear that I would make a very bad full-time mother - I need to work for my own sanity. And I don't think there's any evidence (so far at least) that it's had a detrimental effect on my kids.

Don't be so hard on yourself, m'dear. angelofthenorth was looking at the social issues from the perspective of having worked in the Social Services, not passing judgement on your abilities as a potential parent. There's nothing to suggest that you'd be any better or any worse at it than the rest of us.

*hugs*