why we won't foster
Apr. 2nd, 2004 10:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalThis is in response to a reply to my last post by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
angelofthenorth, which got me thinking.
Should people who go for IVF or other conception aids foster a child before they are granted help? This strategy has a lot going for it, to be sure. It would make parents reevaluate whether they really want a child, whether they can cope with a child who has problems, and whether they can deal with the relentlessness of it all.
But this effectively boils down to the question whether potential parents should be able to cope with children with grave behavioural difficulties and deep seated psychological damage before they are allowed to have children.
This is really a difficult one. By those standards, MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE because I am pretty sure that the two of us will not be able to handle a child who has suffered so much abuse that s/he is unable to connect to anybody. The two of us will not be able to deal with the constant challenges by a child who has been deeply deprived in his/her early childhood. The chances of a child of ours to be deeply deprived in their childhood is minimal of course even though I plan to be WORKING and hence will be a BAD MOTHER COMPLETELY UNFIT FOR CHILDREN.
So maybe it's good that we haven't conceived yet, because we're clearly unfit to be parents?
(ETA: I'd rather volunteer to work with children in need a couple of hours a week to work on reading or social skills or to provide safe touch than foster. This way, I'd do my thing, even though I AM TOO BLOODY INEPT TO HAVE MY OWN BABY.)
angelofthenorth, which got me thinking.Should people who go for IVF or other conception aids foster a child before they are granted help? This strategy has a lot going for it, to be sure. It would make parents reevaluate whether they really want a child, whether they can cope with a child who has problems, and whether they can deal with the relentlessness of it all.
But this effectively boils down to the question whether potential parents should be able to cope with children with grave behavioural difficulties and deep seated psychological damage before they are allowed to have children.
This is really a difficult one. By those standards, MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE because I am pretty sure that the two of us will not be able to handle a child who has suffered so much abuse that s/he is unable to connect to anybody. The two of us will not be able to deal with the constant challenges by a child who has been deeply deprived in his/her early childhood. The chances of a child of ours to be deeply deprived in their childhood is minimal of course even though I plan to be WORKING and hence will be a BAD MOTHER COMPLETELY UNFIT FOR CHILDREN.
So maybe it's good that we haven't conceived yet, because we're clearly unfit to be parents?
(ETA: I'd rather volunteer to work with children in need a couple of hours a week to work on reading or social skills or to provide safe touch than foster. This way, I'd do my thing, even though I AM TOO BLOODY INEPT TO HAVE MY OWN BABY.)
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-02 11:51 am (UTC)I greatly respect and admire people who do foster care for children. But I would hesitate to do it. Not because the children are vulnerable and emotionally-damaged and hard to manage. But because it would break my heart.
How can you love a kid, and be a parent, and know that it could be TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU at any time? I know people who wanted a baby and they fostered two who got RIPPED AWAY from them before they finally got to adopt the third one. They survived that. I don't know if I could.
People who desperately want to have children are the LEAST equipped to take the proper "come and go" attitude that you have to have for foster children. People with grown children are probably the best.
About IVF, you know I'm a big fan of it, thanks to my three adorable little nephews. I don't see why medical problems such as impotence and infertility and anxiety and hearing loss, which only affect "quality of life," shouldn't get treated just as much as problems which kill you. If your body isn't working right, it's a medical problem, period. I mean, NHS pays for GLASSES, for God's sake.
And having children is a major, major part of your life.
Okay, and I'm sure you KNOW that working mothers can be excellent mothers. And working fathers, too! The way I explained it to my unborn children was "Look at it this way, kid. You can have a working mother, or not be born at all -- your choice." They went with the whole life thing. (ironic that ten years later I chose to quit working anyway, but that's a different story).
Anyway... I know you're past this now, but I wanted to put in my two (three? four?) knuts.
*hugs*