why we won't foster
Apr. 2nd, 2004 10:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalThis is in response to a reply to my last post by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
angelofthenorth, which got me thinking.
Should people who go for IVF or other conception aids foster a child before they are granted help? This strategy has a lot going for it, to be sure. It would make parents reevaluate whether they really want a child, whether they can cope with a child who has problems, and whether they can deal with the relentlessness of it all.
But this effectively boils down to the question whether potential parents should be able to cope with children with grave behavioural difficulties and deep seated psychological damage before they are allowed to have children.
This is really a difficult one. By those standards, MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE because I am pretty sure that the two of us will not be able to handle a child who has suffered so much abuse that s/he is unable to connect to anybody. The two of us will not be able to deal with the constant challenges by a child who has been deeply deprived in his/her early childhood. The chances of a child of ours to be deeply deprived in their childhood is minimal of course even though I plan to be WORKING and hence will be a BAD MOTHER COMPLETELY UNFIT FOR CHILDREN.
So maybe it's good that we haven't conceived yet, because we're clearly unfit to be parents?
(ETA: I'd rather volunteer to work with children in need a couple of hours a week to work on reading or social skills or to provide safe touch than foster. This way, I'd do my thing, even though I AM TOO BLOODY INEPT TO HAVE MY OWN BABY.)
angelofthenorth, which got me thinking.Should people who go for IVF or other conception aids foster a child before they are granted help? This strategy has a lot going for it, to be sure. It would make parents reevaluate whether they really want a child, whether they can cope with a child who has problems, and whether they can deal with the relentlessness of it all.
But this effectively boils down to the question whether potential parents should be able to cope with children with grave behavioural difficulties and deep seated psychological damage before they are allowed to have children.
This is really a difficult one. By those standards, MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE because I am pretty sure that the two of us will not be able to handle a child who has suffered so much abuse that s/he is unable to connect to anybody. The two of us will not be able to deal with the constant challenges by a child who has been deeply deprived in his/her early childhood. The chances of a child of ours to be deeply deprived in their childhood is minimal of course even though I plan to be WORKING and hence will be a BAD MOTHER COMPLETELY UNFIT FOR CHILDREN.
So maybe it's good that we haven't conceived yet, because we're clearly unfit to be parents?
(ETA: I'd rather volunteer to work with children in need a couple of hours a week to work on reading or social skills or to provide safe touch than foster. This way, I'd do my thing, even though I AM TOO BLOODY INEPT TO HAVE MY OWN BABY.)
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-02 12:09 pm (UTC)There's no reason why you should have to have a "higher standard" set for you when you explore parenting options.
On the other hand--to be fair to the kind of children you're discussing--there are a lot of very young children in foster care, at least in the States. Also, I've found that many of my most severely abused kids (10 or younger) still were able to bond very well and were able to accept and express affection. Almost all of them were extremely eager to please, and sought adult love and attention--though not always constructively.
And to be fair to you and your abilities, as well: I personally have found that my experiences and struggles with anxiety and depression have helped me understand the immediacy and the overwhelming nature that distress has for children (whether temporarily distressed/frustrated/scared or more chronically) and it's helped me bond with children more easily and be a more effective caregiver than others who haven't had those experiences.