adoption spam

[percival]

So my husband is becoming disenchanted with the whole idea of IVF, and he resents how the Royal Infirmary is treating us: the long waits, the lack of information. We're at a stage where we're tentatively saying: we'll give it one more year, and then adopt. That year we could use to get permanent residence here in the UK.

But when it gets to the adoption stage: First of all, social services can and will snoop in your medical records to check you're not undergoing infertility treatment. Normally, they will wait at least a year after your last treatment to make sure you're over your infertility (really? is one ever OVER that?). Then, they will make you wait up to two more years for your home study (lack of people, lack of resources, especially if you're adopting from overseas), which will consist of up to 15 home visits and take six months to complete. Oh, and will cost £ 3000 - 3500.

Then, it's Documents to China time. (waves to aome and sit_good_dog). Yup, China is the only country with enough adoptive kids whose adoption processs is recognised by the UK. Any other country would be a nightmare, because us two German citizens would have to carry an adoption through the courts so that the kid can become a German citizen. Yes, that's right - kiddo can only be a Brit if my husband or myself change nationality. Thailand and Vietnam blocked Brit adoptions in 2003. I wonder why ...

So, after we've tried for a baby for another year, it's 2-3 years wait for a home study, then another 9 months for the home study to be completed, then another year's wait for travelling to China. The upside is that there WILL be a baby at the end of this journey. The downside is that I may well be 37 before I hold our daughter in my arms. Yes. 32 + 5 years = 37.

Ten years' wait for a child.

Comments

[aome.livejournal.com]

really? is one ever OVER that?

No. I've gotten to a point where 97% of the time I'm fine with it, but I still have my moments - and it's taken three years to get here.

And 37 isn't so old - or at least, it isn't here. I know we've talked about cultural differences and age perceptions, but Will was 36 when we adopted MiniPlu, and Scott was 43 at his first adoption. I've seen parents who were far older when adoption was involved.

The cost, wait and items involved for a UK homestudy is utterly RIDICULOUS, though. Two YEARS? Fifteen visits? Are they INSANE??

Our president may suck, but I can see that the US isn't so bad after all, in certain areas. ;)

[perceval.livejournal.com]

The cost, wait and items involved for a UK homestudy is utterly RIDICULOUS, though. Two YEARS? Fifteen visits? Are they INSANE??

Yes, and you HAVE to get this seal of approval. Otherwise, nothing will work. I need to contact Overseas Adoption to get a feeling for how the process works ... I wonder whether it has to be the local authority, or whether it can be a charity.

[aome.livejournal.com]

Oh, a Home Study is required here, too, but it's not nearly so involved - although I would have *thought* it was plenty involved already, until I saw what UK's laws are.

Here, social workers do the home study. It is not required to be done through your particular agency, although it can be.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

Ten years' wait for a child.

Maya was born one month before our 10th wedding anniversary. It was definitely a long haul. Mr U and I have a joke about adoption: If everyone had to jump through the same hoops as adoptive parents, the world's population would be 6 MILLION rather than 6 billion (or whatever it is now), because most people would just say "The hell with this!" *hugs*

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, they wouldn't bother.

At least when the kid's older, she will see that at least her adoptive parents really REALLY REALLY wanted her.

[h311ybean]

At least when the kid's older, she will see that at least her adoptive parents really REALLY REALLY wanted her.
So true.

I don't quite know what else to say that others haven't already said, so I'll just wish you and your husband the best of luck (again) in your endeavor to have a baby. Your child is going to be one very lucky kid to have such wonderful, dedicated people as parents.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Well, once the kid gets to a certain age, s/he will probably beg to disagree. But yes, we'll do our best :)

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

Oh she already knows that :D She's heard her adoption story about 8 gazillion times.

[chrysantza.livejournal.com]

*hugs* "Give it one more year, then adopt" is a wise course.

And, ahem...37 is NOT old...sez the soon-to-be-41-year-old. 37 is a spring chicken.

One way or another, you will have your child to love and cherish.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed, one way or another.

[katiedarling.livejournal.com]

Ten years' wait for a child.

I know it's a long wait, and a long struggle, but it will all be worth it when you do get to hold your child in your arms.

But you're probably beyond sick of hearing that by now, huh?

[perceval.livejournal.com]

No, it actually carries me through all this :)

[awelkin.livejournal.com]

Well, I know it's a long time.

You will SO appreciate your baby, more so in some ways than parents who haven't had a 10 year pregnancy, so to speak.

Love to you and Thomas.

Catherine

[perceval.livejournal.com]

We definitely will. And the 10 year pregnancy is a good image - in a way, it does feel like that. Emotionally draining, just without some of the physical scars like stretch marks.

Love to you and your husband and your family ...

[stereo-m.livejournal.com]

37 isn't so old - my mum was 37 when she had me. :)

*hugs*

[hildigunnur.livejournal.com]

While ten years of waiting is indeed a long time, I don't think that 37 is that old to become a parent. My mother was 39 when I was born and my sister was 38 when she had my nephew (his father was 46). All these people handle(d) parenthood very well.

I continue to hope that things will turn out for the best for you because you really deserve it. :)

[perceval.livejournal.com]

That's good to hear. I was afraid I'd be too old and set in my ways ...

[acusa-dora.livejournal.com]

What about adopting in Germany since you're citizens? I don't know whether you can or not.

You really don't get over infertility all at once. I know that for me, the pregnancy of one friend was particularly difficult, even though I already had a child. I think it was partly the notion that I could have been pregnant if I'd pursued a certain course and the fact that I was reaching midlife anyway. (I was 40 when she was pregnant)

Now, I have a 32 year-old friend who is pregnant and I feel fine. It really is a matter of where you are in your life otherwise. I know what the adoption agencies are trying to do--make sure you grieve for the child that never was, but that's kind of a long process.

Good luck with whatever course you choose. I know you're also thinking about paying for the IVF. Do you get a tax break in the UK if your medical bills are high enough?

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Germany is just as difficult as Britain, with 4-5 year waits for babies. Plus, we're not living there anymore.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

I was 37 when we adopted Hannah.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Ah. A good age for welcoming small Chinese daughters then :)

[aome.livejournal.com]

Yay, another China-adoptive family! :)

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

We traveled in March 1996 - how about you? Our daughter is from Zhuzhou, Hunan Province.

[aome.livejournal.com]

June 2003, to Xi'an, ShaanXi province. (Our daughter is actually from Yulin, but ShaanXi is a really long, thin province, and Yulin was 8 hours away by bus, so they flew the children in to Xi'an.)

We're waiting on a referral for a second child; I'm crossing my fingers that we'll get it by Christmas, but who knows?

Since your daughter is older (ours is not quite 2.5yrs now), and aware of her adoption - any pointers? (You can email me at plumeria47 at fulmerfamily dot com if you'd rather we not spam poor perceval. *g* )

[ashavah]

It's awful that you have to wait so long. I can't really say anything that hasn't been said already. :-(

[tefkas.livejournal.com]

*hugs muchly*

[brightfame.livejournal.com]

Thailand and Vietnam blocked Brit adoptions in 2003. I wonder why ...

The info is at the bottom of this page in separate links:

<http://www.dfes.gov.uk/adoption/intercountry/archive.shtml>

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's fantastic information! Thank you SO much ...

~is stunned~

[piperx.livejournal.com]

Wow, that sucks. Five/ten years wait is a long time. The age isn't so bad. My mom was 35 when she had me and that was back in 1970. And of course, I'm 34 and thinking about adopting children after having one more biological child so I'll be in my late 30s at that point.

It is more difficult when you're older as opposed to early 20s but what I've found is that changing your ways is not hard as long as you're dedicated to your child/children, which I know you will be. In a lot of ways, it's a welcome attitude adjustment.

BTW, I just found out that my sister is going through the fertility battle too. She just found out she has a blocked tube. She's 36.