Spiritual Emergency
Nov. 22nd, 2006 10:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalOn November 12, I started a retreat in daily life with the Jesuit parish I belong to. I met twice weekly with my prayer guide, who was a lovely woman who let me bring Ruth and gave me many good hints.
My aim was to start praying again - even though I regularly attend Mass/Quaker meeting, apart from that, I have no prayer life to speak of. My life is so busy that I basically need to learn how to snatch whatever time I can to still myself and try to tap back into the Source (it's the intention that counts, right?) Now, it didn't exactly help that for the past two weeks, I've been labouring under a bad cold that is lifting only now, and that I have two longish work day trips, one tomorrow, one on 16/11.
Despite everything, I was getting there - I was learning how to slip in some time here, some time there. This didn't amount to much, though, and in today's session, my prayer guide suggested that I stop the retreat. She thought I was overdoing it, yet I was thriving on her gentle encouragement. Thriving means getting in a little here and there, which is so much more than I managed before, but not enough for a retreat.
I can totally see where she's coming from, and yet, I was completely shocked and taken aback. I thought I had met somebody who would take me from where I was to where I wanted to go, and I thought I was on my way to getting there. She did offer to still meet me for chats at the prearranged times, if I felt I would benefit, but the damage was done. I felt deeply rejected and abandoned. Sounds silly, it's not rational, but that's how I felt. I was absolutely mortified and literally cried or was on the brink of tears for hours after that session. The guide did her best to try and soothe me, but I was just too upset and deeply hurt and ashamed of myself (She didn't mean to hurt me - this is just my completely irrational gut reaction.) I think part of the problem is that I was going from nothing at all to something, whereas they would expect retreat participants to go from something to something richer. And yet, the handholding and personal support I got was crucial to get me praying again and to get me exploring prayer again in a way that reading books and doing online courses never could. Yes, that's how completely and utterly pathetic I am.
Now, what's the emergency all about? Well, I would really, really like to continue the work I did with my prayer guide because I felt that I was on the right path. I won't return to my prayer guide, and I won't ask the Jesuits to put me in touch with a spiritual director because I am literally s*** scared of a repeat of this. I feel that my needs are too basic for a busy professional spiritual director to bother with. I feel really small and scared and stupid. The guide suggested waiting until my life slows down, but hey, if I do that, I'll wait forever.
So I am wondering: would any of the good people on my F-List be willing to support me in my completely pathetic efforts to focus on God, even if it is only little and often, even if my life is busy and hectic, even if all I can manage is follow the breath and think about opening myself to God?
My aim was to start praying again - even though I regularly attend Mass/Quaker meeting, apart from that, I have no prayer life to speak of. My life is so busy that I basically need to learn how to snatch whatever time I can to still myself and try to tap back into the Source (it's the intention that counts, right?) Now, it didn't exactly help that for the past two weeks, I've been labouring under a bad cold that is lifting only now, and that I have two longish work day trips, one tomorrow, one on 16/11.
Despite everything, I was getting there - I was learning how to slip in some time here, some time there. This didn't amount to much, though, and in today's session, my prayer guide suggested that I stop the retreat. She thought I was overdoing it, yet I was thriving on her gentle encouragement. Thriving means getting in a little here and there, which is so much more than I managed before, but not enough for a retreat.
I can totally see where she's coming from, and yet, I was completely shocked and taken aback. I thought I had met somebody who would take me from where I was to where I wanted to go, and I thought I was on my way to getting there. She did offer to still meet me for chats at the prearranged times, if I felt I would benefit, but the damage was done. I felt deeply rejected and abandoned. Sounds silly, it's not rational, but that's how I felt. I was absolutely mortified and literally cried or was on the brink of tears for hours after that session. The guide did her best to try and soothe me, but I was just too upset and deeply hurt and ashamed of myself (She didn't mean to hurt me - this is just my completely irrational gut reaction.) I think part of the problem is that I was going from nothing at all to something, whereas they would expect retreat participants to go from something to something richer. And yet, the handholding and personal support I got was crucial to get me praying again and to get me exploring prayer again in a way that reading books and doing online courses never could. Yes, that's how completely and utterly pathetic I am.
Now, what's the emergency all about? Well, I would really, really like to continue the work I did with my prayer guide because I felt that I was on the right path. I won't return to my prayer guide, and I won't ask the Jesuits to put me in touch with a spiritual director because I am literally s*** scared of a repeat of this. I feel that my needs are too basic for a busy professional spiritual director to bother with. I feel really small and scared and stupid. The guide suggested waiting until my life slows down, but hey, if I do that, I'll wait forever.
So I am wondering: would any of the good people on my F-List be willing to support me in my completely pathetic efforts to focus on God, even if it is only little and often, even if my life is busy and hectic, even if all I can manage is follow the breath and think about opening myself to God?
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 08:49 pm (UTC)If there is anything I can do to help I would be glad too. I truly rot at discussing spirtual thing things; I can never seem to explain what I am thinking or experienceing adequately.
Prayer is a part of life. Somedays it is quick - "Thank you for this beautiful day," "Thank you for our family," or "please be with so and so because..." and these are said on the walk to the car. Sometimes in the morning or before bed, there is time for a more formal conversation. I do agree with Colleen when she said that everything you do in yoru daily life is prayer.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 01:09 pm (UTC)Your post did bring up a very pleasant memory for me. My grandparents lived out in the country and there would be times I would spend weeks at their place. I can remember being bleary eyed and wandering into the kitchen to find her well used little white Bible at her spot on the table. No grandmother, just the Bible. The Bible only showed up on mornings when she couldn't get out in the garden due to the cold or rain and then she would have a few moments in the early morning before we got up. Then she probably was walking the edge of the garden in the mist or cold, just to check things out. {G} Granny was an early riser and in the garden at first light. Gardening was her form of prayer. I know in my heart she did more of her conversations with God there than in a formal setting. She loved the garden even if she would occasionally fuss about the work it created. She never would give it up. I personally think she never wanted to give it up because it was her special time in the morning. She was working in God's earth, she was doing it with a willing heart and it was simply her time to pray. The prayer may have been spoke or just in the work itself. Anyway, the reason I am telling you this rambling tale is that I realize now she fit prayer in when she could.
Thank you for bringing up this memory for me btw. I miss her more than I can say this holiday weekend and it is nice to say and remember something wonderful about her.