Spiritual Emergency
Nov. 22nd, 2006 10:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
percivalOn November 12, I started a retreat in daily life with the Jesuit parish I belong to. I met twice weekly with my prayer guide, who was a lovely woman who let me bring Ruth and gave me many good hints.
My aim was to start praying again - even though I regularly attend Mass/Quaker meeting, apart from that, I have no prayer life to speak of. My life is so busy that I basically need to learn how to snatch whatever time I can to still myself and try to tap back into the Source (it's the intention that counts, right?) Now, it didn't exactly help that for the past two weeks, I've been labouring under a bad cold that is lifting only now, and that I have two longish work day trips, one tomorrow, one on 16/11.
Despite everything, I was getting there - I was learning how to slip in some time here, some time there. This didn't amount to much, though, and in today's session, my prayer guide suggested that I stop the retreat. She thought I was overdoing it, yet I was thriving on her gentle encouragement. Thriving means getting in a little here and there, which is so much more than I managed before, but not enough for a retreat.
I can totally see where she's coming from, and yet, I was completely shocked and taken aback. I thought I had met somebody who would take me from where I was to where I wanted to go, and I thought I was on my way to getting there. She did offer to still meet me for chats at the prearranged times, if I felt I would benefit, but the damage was done. I felt deeply rejected and abandoned. Sounds silly, it's not rational, but that's how I felt. I was absolutely mortified and literally cried or was on the brink of tears for hours after that session. The guide did her best to try and soothe me, but I was just too upset and deeply hurt and ashamed of myself (She didn't mean to hurt me - this is just my completely irrational gut reaction.) I think part of the problem is that I was going from nothing at all to something, whereas they would expect retreat participants to go from something to something richer. And yet, the handholding and personal support I got was crucial to get me praying again and to get me exploring prayer again in a way that reading books and doing online courses never could. Yes, that's how completely and utterly pathetic I am.
Now, what's the emergency all about? Well, I would really, really like to continue the work I did with my prayer guide because I felt that I was on the right path. I won't return to my prayer guide, and I won't ask the Jesuits to put me in touch with a spiritual director because I am literally s*** scared of a repeat of this. I feel that my needs are too basic for a busy professional spiritual director to bother with. I feel really small and scared and stupid. The guide suggested waiting until my life slows down, but hey, if I do that, I'll wait forever.
So I am wondering: would any of the good people on my F-List be willing to support me in my completely pathetic efforts to focus on God, even if it is only little and often, even if my life is busy and hectic, even if all I can manage is follow the breath and think about opening myself to God?
My aim was to start praying again - even though I regularly attend Mass/Quaker meeting, apart from that, I have no prayer life to speak of. My life is so busy that I basically need to learn how to snatch whatever time I can to still myself and try to tap back into the Source (it's the intention that counts, right?) Now, it didn't exactly help that for the past two weeks, I've been labouring under a bad cold that is lifting only now, and that I have two longish work day trips, one tomorrow, one on 16/11.
Despite everything, I was getting there - I was learning how to slip in some time here, some time there. This didn't amount to much, though, and in today's session, my prayer guide suggested that I stop the retreat. She thought I was overdoing it, yet I was thriving on her gentle encouragement. Thriving means getting in a little here and there, which is so much more than I managed before, but not enough for a retreat.
I can totally see where she's coming from, and yet, I was completely shocked and taken aback. I thought I had met somebody who would take me from where I was to where I wanted to go, and I thought I was on my way to getting there. She did offer to still meet me for chats at the prearranged times, if I felt I would benefit, but the damage was done. I felt deeply rejected and abandoned. Sounds silly, it's not rational, but that's how I felt. I was absolutely mortified and literally cried or was on the brink of tears for hours after that session. The guide did her best to try and soothe me, but I was just too upset and deeply hurt and ashamed of myself (She didn't mean to hurt me - this is just my completely irrational gut reaction.) I think part of the problem is that I was going from nothing at all to something, whereas they would expect retreat participants to go from something to something richer. And yet, the handholding and personal support I got was crucial to get me praying again and to get me exploring prayer again in a way that reading books and doing online courses never could. Yes, that's how completely and utterly pathetic I am.
Now, what's the emergency all about? Well, I would really, really like to continue the work I did with my prayer guide because I felt that I was on the right path. I won't return to my prayer guide, and I won't ask the Jesuits to put me in touch with a spiritual director because I am literally s*** scared of a repeat of this. I feel that my needs are too basic for a busy professional spiritual director to bother with. I feel really small and scared and stupid. The guide suggested waiting until my life slows down, but hey, if I do that, I'll wait forever.
So I am wondering: would any of the good people on my F-List be willing to support me in my completely pathetic efforts to focus on God, even if it is only little and often, even if my life is busy and hectic, even if all I can manage is follow the breath and think about opening myself to God?
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Take a deep breath :)
Date: 2006-11-22 10:19 pm (UTC)Now that you've done that, get yourself calm and permit me to ask a question or two and pony up some thoughts based on my 50 years on this planet.
When I saw the phrase busy professional spiritual director my jaw dropped. Who needs a spiritual director? Why would you feel they have the answers? They're not inside your head. Only you are inside your head and only you know what you need. Other people can't dictate the pace at which you move, or how you choose to experience the almighty power.
While it's wonderful to be able to get together with people to discuss matters spiritual, and to offer worship, or partake of meditation, it's not necessary. Please don't give other people the power to make you feel scared and stupid on spiritual matters.
Remember the basic Zen saying: "draw water, chop wood?"
Everything you do in your daily life is prayer. Every action, every word, every thought. You don't need to consciously set aside time to "be with God" -- God IS with you, living your life with you.
The word inspiration comes from "breathing in the spirit", with every breath you breathe in God.
When you smile at your baby, when you do the laundry, when you hug your husband, when you prepare food, when you admire a moonlit sky, that's all prayer. We have time, and living our lives is part of the fabric of God's weaving.
Over here in the USA it is the season of Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for my friends and my family, and for work and art, music and nature, and it's all God and it's all good.
Breathe deep, relax, and enjoy your life.
Peace, prayers, and good vibes,
-Colleen
Re: Take a deep breath :)
Date: 2006-11-22 10:27 pm (UTC)Re: Take a deep breath :)
Date: 2006-11-24 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-22 11:04 pm (UTC)Yes, it wasn't rational. It still sounds like it hurt a great deal, though, which is making me wonder "why"? It's not wrong to have that feeling, but it seems like there's more to it.
Could you sign up for a "week of accompanied prayer' - it sounds like it's the sort of hand-holding that you want, and it's a national, ecumenical movement (some of the london quakers are involved locally, as well as the RC). Plus it's time-limited as being a week that you lay aside a set, agreed period each day to pray with someone else.
I agree about not wanting a spiritual director, but please re-think about this particular guide. It seems like she recognised you needed something else, which is a brave thing to do, to say to someone "this isn't for you", and you need someone who can be brave and stay with you. Was there anyway that she could have said to you that you needed to be on a different path (a lowland walk instead of a mountain climb) that you would have accepted? If so, then if you could feed that back to her, it might help her help someone else, even if you don't go back to her.
Having studied with Jesuits at Guy Chester and other, they are some of the best out there in terms of walking at your speed and not an externally dictated speed. There are a number of different levels at which they work.
They have http://www.sacredspace.ie which might be helpful. It takes about 10 minutes a day, and is great to do at the computer.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 11:53 am (UTC)"This is exactly the direction I was moving in. I was rushing about my day, not saying thanks, not remembering that God is in all things. I wasn't seeing the weaver anymore, I was getting lost in the fabric. The retreat got cut off just as I was beginning to disentangle myself. "
This explains a lot.
As to getting back to the guide - yes, I am planning to do that, but need more time and space. Part of the problem is that I thought she had understood I needed to set my sights lower because she was giving me EXACTLY what I needed. She still offered to meet me for a chat at the prearranged times, but what I would have wanted from her is something like:
"I see that you can't really explore the more advanced forms of prayer. So, let's scale down our ambitions, and I am happy to help you with that." She DID offer to keep meeting me for chats, so this option would have been open. What I heard, however, (and this is my gut reaction), was "You have failed this retreat. Goodbye." If she had been talking about modifying the work instead of abandoning it, I would have kept coming. It was the words "end the retreat" that did it. I felt that she didn't see a point in meeting with me anymore, and that her offer to keep meeting for chats was just a polite way of softening the blow. Like you, I'm not good at social interaction, and I am always afraid of outstaying my welcome. She encouraged me to try again at another time. Oh, and another thing I just remember. She didn't really ask me whether I felt that I was getting anything from this retreat first, and she didn't ask me whether I wanted to continue. She just asked me about my time commitments for the next couple of days (which unfortunately included the trip), and then said that in her opinion, it would be best for me to end the retreat as I obviously wasn't well and had a work trip coming up. If I had been less hurt and devastated by that comment, I would have been able to tell her what I've told you, and we would probably still be working together. As it is, I wasn't.
I am going to write her a letter, but I need to be careful with what I say. Even though she meant really well, I was devastated because as I said, she was giving me what I needed at that time. She was really, really spot-on.
I really needed the personal guidance, I needed to make sense of my spiritual journey, I needed help to still myself and reconnect to God. this was a golden opportunity for me - and my life, ironically, is at its least busy and most balanced right now.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-25 01:08 pm (UTC)That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for explaining it. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 06:47 pm (UTC)Breathe and be; love and be loved.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 11:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 08:49 pm (UTC)If there is anything I can do to help I would be glad too. I truly rot at discussing spirtual thing things; I can never seem to explain what I am thinking or experienceing adequately.
Prayer is a part of life. Somedays it is quick - "Thank you for this beautiful day," "Thank you for our family," or "please be with so and so because..." and these are said on the walk to the car. Sometimes in the morning or before bed, there is time for a more formal conversation. I do agree with Colleen when she said that everything you do in yoru daily life is prayer.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 01:09 pm (UTC)Your post did bring up a very pleasant memory for me. My grandparents lived out in the country and there would be times I would spend weeks at their place. I can remember being bleary eyed and wandering into the kitchen to find her well used little white Bible at her spot on the table. No grandmother, just the Bible. The Bible only showed up on mornings when she couldn't get out in the garden due to the cold or rain and then she would have a few moments in the early morning before we got up. Then she probably was walking the edge of the garden in the mist or cold, just to check things out. {G} Granny was an early riser and in the garden at first light. Gardening was her form of prayer. I know in my heart she did more of her conversations with God there than in a formal setting. She loved the garden even if she would occasionally fuss about the work it created. She never would give it up. I personally think she never wanted to give it up because it was her special time in the morning. She was working in God's earth, she was doing it with a willing heart and it was simply her time to pray. The prayer may have been spoke or just in the work itself. Anyway, the reason I am telling you this rambling tale is that I realize now she fit prayer in when she could.
Thank you for bringing up this memory for me btw. I miss her more than I can say this holiday weekend and it is nice to say and remember something wonderful about her.