Spiritual Emergency

[percival]

On November 12, I started a retreat in daily life with the Jesuit parish I belong to. I met twice weekly with my prayer guide, who was a lovely woman who let me bring Ruth and gave me many good hints.

My aim was to start praying again - even though I regularly attend Mass/Quaker meeting, apart from that, I have no prayer life to speak of. My life is so busy that I basically need to learn how to snatch whatever time I can to still myself and try to tap back into the Source (it's the intention that counts, right?) Now, it didn't exactly help that for the past two weeks, I've been labouring under a bad cold that is lifting only now, and that I have two longish work day trips, one tomorrow, one on 16/11.

Despite everything, I was getting there - I was learning how to slip in some time here, some time there. This didn't amount to much, though, and in today's session, my prayer guide suggested that I stop the retreat. She thought I was overdoing it, yet I was thriving on her gentle encouragement. Thriving means getting in a little here and there, which is so much more than I managed before, but not enough for a retreat.

I can totally see where she's coming from, and yet, I was completely shocked and taken aback. I thought I had met somebody who would take me from where I was to where I wanted to go, and I thought I was on my way to getting there. She did offer to still meet me for chats at the prearranged times, if I felt I would benefit, but the damage was done. I felt deeply rejected and abandoned. Sounds silly, it's not rational, but that's how I felt. I was absolutely mortified and literally cried or was on the brink of tears for hours after that session. The guide did her best to try and soothe me, but I was just too upset and deeply hurt and ashamed of myself (She didn't mean to hurt me - this is just my completely irrational gut reaction.) I think part of the problem is that I was going from nothing at all to something, whereas they would expect retreat participants to go from something to something richer. And yet, the handholding and personal support I got was crucial to get me praying again and to get me exploring prayer again in a way that reading books and doing online courses never could. Yes, that's how completely and utterly pathetic I am.

Now, what's the emergency all about? Well, I would really, really like to continue the work I did with my prayer guide because I felt that I was on the right path. I won't return to my prayer guide, and I won't ask the Jesuits to put me in touch with a spiritual director because I am literally s*** scared of a repeat of this. I feel that my needs are too basic for a busy professional spiritual director to bother with. I feel really small and scared and stupid. The guide suggested waiting until my life slows down, but hey, if I do that, I'll wait forever.
So I am wondering: would any of the good people on my F-List be willing to support me in my completely pathetic efforts to focus on God, even if it is only little and often, even if my life is busy and hectic, even if all I can manage is follow the breath and think about opening myself to God?

Comments

[perceval.livejournal.com]

This is what I just replied to Murasaki:
"This is exactly the direction I was moving in. I was rushing about my day, not saying thanks, not remembering that God is in all things. I wasn't seeing the weaver anymore, I was getting lost in the fabric. The retreat got cut off just as I was beginning to disentangle myself. "

This explains a lot.

As to getting back to the guide - yes, I am planning to do that, but need more time and space. Part of the problem is that I thought she had understood I needed to set my sights lower because she was giving me EXACTLY what I needed. She still offered to meet me for a chat at the prearranged times, but what I would have wanted from her is something like:
"I see that you can't really explore the more advanced forms of prayer. So, let's scale down our ambitions, and I am happy to help you with that." She DID offer to keep meeting me for chats, so this option would have been open. What I heard, however, (and this is my gut reaction), was "You have failed this retreat. Goodbye." If she had been talking about modifying the work instead of abandoning it, I would have kept coming. It was the words "end the retreat" that did it. I felt that she didn't see a point in meeting with me anymore, and that her offer to keep meeting for chats was just a polite way of softening the blow. Like you, I'm not good at social interaction, and I am always afraid of outstaying my welcome. She encouraged me to try again at another time. Oh, and another thing I just remember. She didn't really ask me whether I felt that I was getting anything from this retreat first, and she didn't ask me whether I wanted to continue. She just asked me about my time commitments for the next couple of days (which unfortunately included the trip), and then said that in her opinion, it would be best for me to end the retreat as I obviously wasn't well and had a work trip coming up. If I had been less hurt and devastated by that comment, I would have been able to tell her what I've told you, and we would probably still be working together. As it is, I wasn't.

I am going to write her a letter, but I need to be careful with what I say. Even though she meant really well, I was devastated because as I said, she was giving me what I needed at that time. She was really, really spot-on.

I really needed the personal guidance, I needed to make sense of my spiritual journey, I needed help to still myself and reconnect to God. this was a golden opportunity for me - and my life, ironically, is at its least busy and most balanced right now.

[angelofthenorth.livejournal.com]

*nods*

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for explaining it. *hugs*