Ok, so I'm panicking.

I know that British social services can be terribly unsupportive of adoption and inter-country adoption. The tales I've heard/read about people waiting in vain for case workers, the constant reminders to ADOPT from BRITAIN wherever possible, that one should only adopt from another country if there is no way that the child could be cared for in the country of origin (the last two from a leaflet of a support organisation for infertile parents). I'm also afraid we'll be deemed too old upon entering the process (don't laugh! parents on the wrong side of 35 may well be deemed geriatric by social workers - and my husband will be 35 next year, 36 in 2006. I will be 31 and 32, respectively.)

I'm afraid we'll be denied a child.

But what I'm most afraid of is that fear will paralyse me.

So onward Christian soldier. No fretting about Social Services allowed for at least another year. In the mean time, join Adoption UK, read up as much as you can, talk to as many inter country adopters as possible.

Be positive.

Somewhere, a child is waiting for us, and we'll find him/her.

~frames sit_good_dog's comment~

Grief

I'm grieving right now. Close to tears, can't work as productively as I used to. I'm grieving the pregnancy I can't have, the birth I can't give. I'm allowing myself to feel the pain, the rage, the anger. And it feels good, in a perverse way. It feels like that this is what's needed to melt the fibroids. The grief wells up as soon as I feel even slightly unsettled.

And it will take as long as it takes.

I'm not going to repress it any more. I'm not going to take it on the chin and move on. I'm not going to keep a stiff upper lip. I'm not going to deny my desire to be a mother, my husband's desire to be a father, our desire to have a family, to see a tiny child grow up.

To everybody out there who's ever given the well-meaning advice "relax and it will happen": You can't relax on command. You can't forget all about becoming a mother. You can't just move on to a childfree life. Please honour my process.

This entry was brought to you by Whiny Associated Self Helpers (WASH) ;)