family size

[percival]

cross posted from the Quill


I'd like as many children as I can have, for several reasons:

- I'm an only child, and my parents are quite fixated on me; they are lonely people, and they would never consider going into an old people's home. So I am about to start training as a holistic therapist to make sure I can create a job for myself at home if I need to in a couple of years time, because I will have to be the one to see them through their old age. I have NO cousins, aunts or uncles to help me, because my parents are only children themselves.

Parents of only children, set them free. Please don't expect them to look after you and provide for you, or if you do expect that, be flexible in where you live out your life. make sure they can be independent. They will care for you tenderly if they need to, but if they do not feel *forced* to be there for you, your relationship will be all the richer and closer for it.

- My husband and I are having fertility problems at the moment. I am 29. By the time my first comes along, I will be 30 or 31. If we take into account the normal sex life slump after child birth, and the fact that it will have taken us ages to conceive number one, I figure that we will end up with two or three children by the time I become completely infertile. I'm now so desperate that I'm ready to accept every child as a blessing from God. Thy will be done.

- I was a lonely child, and would have loved to have brothers and sisters. As a kid, I wanted to have at least four kids.

Finally, for all those parents of only kids who keep getting told that their kids will miss out or be socially challenged: PM me and I will give you some references with which you can SMAX them scientifically.

Comments

[cynthia-black.livejournal.com]

Parents of only children, set them free
I think that goes for parents of any child, not just 'only' ones - especially if they're girls. I can see letting go of mine will be hard. At least my parents were OK with me once I reached 18.

By the time my first comes along, I will be 30 or 31.
That's not the end of the world - I was 30 when I had my first, 32 when I had my second. I'm assured I'm not that unusual! Hang on in there, Perceval - Remember 'There is still hope...'

[acusa-dora.livejournal.com]

I wanted three, but after we adopted one, we decided we couldn't go through it again. I may sometime write the story of that adoption, but let's just say that it was really difficult and I was just afraid to have that much trouble again.

You know, I don't mind having an only. I do feel that he's handicapped by not having a sister because he doesn't talk to or deal with girls on a day to day basis. But, he could have had a brother and still be in the same position. And there are girls in his classes at school.

I have many friends who are only children, and they are very happy and well-adjusted.

[acusa-dora.livejournal.com]

I hit the button before finishing. I'm glad you wrote that about setting only children free. Now that I'm in the middle of caring for an older person, I realize exactly what a commitment that is. I plan to make my own arrangements for an independent living place and then an assisted living place when the time comes, especially if I'm alone. People say that nursing homes are terrible and that they don't want to be there. They aren't exactly great, but I think you can make your own experience better if you retain the right attitude (if you are still lucid enough) I'd rather save my money and go to the best one I can afford than live with my son. As long as my son is educated and has the means to make a living, an inheritance is not important, so I can go to a better home even if it means spending everything before I die. My culture pushes having parents live with their children. I just don't want to do it myself.

As for letting him be independent, I've done pretty well. My mother was very clingy and I hated that--luckily, she isn't too bad that way now.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I am an 'only' *now*. And I've essentially always been one, although not technically until I was 16 (severely disabled brother who died). I was a bit lonely at times, yes, but I also got good at playing by myself (he didn't live at home, so my day-to-day life was as an 'only'), and at dealing with adults. I am nervous for if we decide to have/adopt another child because I have never dealt with sibling rivalry or related issues, except to witness it afar in my friends when we were growing up.

For me, my parents have never expected me to look after them, but there is a bit of unspoken, implied pressure that I needed to do well in general because I'm the only one, the only chance.

[jennlee2.livejournal.com]

Interesting! I like your point about not expecting the only child to do all that just because they're the only. I'm an only child and when I was a kid I hated it. Now that I'm an adult I really don't mind that much, although I would like to have more family. My mother sometimes used to bug me about finding her a big, strapping son-in-law to help with stuff, and I asked her why she didn't have some more kids. She hasn't really bugged me about it since. Heh.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

yeah, there's this expectation that girls will look after her elders. Have you ever seen "like water, like chocolate"? In that film, one girl is prevented from marrying on purpose, because she needs to look after her mother, and the girl's lover is shunted off to a sister.

As for the age: my mum was 30 when she had me, so I know it's still perfectly possible. I'll probably hit a brick wall once I'm past 35 ...

[perceval.livejournal.com]

quite a few people who decide to go for IVF say that they have been put off by the experience of people who've decided to adopt.

Fear of losing the child to their birth mother, or older children who are severely damaged by what they have suffered, seem to be common experiences.

I'd be really interested in your adoption story, because I feel that this might also be the way out for my husband and myself - although I'm likely to follow aome's example and adopt from abroad.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

*cuddles Toby icon*

sorry, I sometimes just get the urge ...

[perceval.livejournal.com]

it must have been difficult to grow up with a disabled brother. That is in fact the reason I am an only - my mother is rhesus negative and she had fibroids, so there was a real danger that any brother or sister might be disabled. I myself am slightly disabled (dyspraxic).

As for not having experienced sibling rivalry: that might be a bonus, though, because this way you're unprejudiced and less likely to identify with the kid that is like you in sibling rank.

It seems like you are a Worrier Mummy. Don't fret ... I'm sure you are doing just fine. Know that book by Bruno Bettelheim, A Good Enough Parent? He basically advocates that you stay true to yourself. End of story :)

[aome.livejournal.com]

Eh, I'm a worrier in general, although not nearly as much as my mother and my sister in law. I'm downright laid back when it comes to them! lol

How much has dyspraxia affected you? Did you receive therapy for it when you were young?

[perceval.livejournal.com]

*hugs Worrier* my Mum is a worrier as well, and although it drives me nutso sometimes, she is a great Mummy. and you will be as well.

As for the dyspraxia: that, combined with low social skills and an above-average intellect meant that my school years were quite hellish. I was bad at sports, and overprotected. I now find that I'm quite good at anything that emphasises endurance (running, swimming, Yoga).

Since the dyspraxia was diagnosed only when I was five, I did receive therapy, but too late and in a group with children where I was a) the biggest and b) the only one with my particular deficit. I was bullied by one of the therapists, who brandished me a "little actress" whenever I was scared of doing something. It got to me so much that I lost much of my self esteem.

[swampfaye.livejournal.com]

My father is an only child. Actually, most only children I know definitely want more than one child - but no person I know with siblings wants only one child. Isn't that odd? It's always at least two...

And there is lots of data about social skills and only children. IT actually turns out they are better able to be socially skilled because their primary relationship comes from and with adults. This is why homeschooled children have no problem 'adjusting' to going back to school. Children who relate more to children than to adults have more problems adjusting. There is lots of information in Psychology Today about this, you just have to go looking for it.

Adoption

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

My husband and I adopted our daughter "domestically" (within the United States) in August 1996. We started working with our agency in April of that year and became parents on 8/22/96 when she was 2 days young. Our daughter's birthmother *has never* suggested that she wanted to reclaim her (and she cannot because a finalized adoption is legally binding on all parties, at least in the U.S.)-- in fact, if anything, birthmom has been *too distant* for our taste (we thought we were getting into an open adoption, but basically it's only been open on our end, with the result that our daughter knows only what we are able to tell her, which isn't nearly enough.
Perceval, I know you're in Scotland so of course adoption laws etc will be different. But please know that adoption is not always a nightmare - in fact, the ones you see on TV are the really bad cases. Most adoptions are nothing like that. BTW my daughter will be 7 in less than a month and has already heard HP books 1-4 twice and is now listening to me reading OotP.

[narcissam.livejournal.com]

I'm the oldest of eight children. My mother comes from a family of eleven kids, my father from a family of four. My maternal grandmother from a family of eight kids. My maternal grandfather from a family of five. My paternal grandfather from a family of twelve. My paternal grandmother from a family of five. So, all in all, I've never been starved for relatives. :-)

I would like eight children or so myself, were I ever to be married. We live in a part of the world where we can definitely support them. Overpopulation is not exactly a Canadian problem! While it isn't easy to have a lot of kids, I think it's quite a worthwhile endeavour. I think now that I'm twenty I appreciate my siblings so much more than when I was little (even though I generally liked them then). It's great to know that I have a large number of people available for me to fall back on all through my life. (And if any guy harasses me, I just have to mention that I have two brothers over six feet tall... :-) I also think that having eight kids had a very positive effect on my parents' personality! If I'd be an only child, I have a feeling that my father especially would have been the sort of person who can't let go of his kid's life. Obessive-compulsiveness runs in the family, I think. I know I've got a large dose of it. We need lots of kids to loosen us up, and give us lots to do!

Which, btw, is why I think Percy Weasley needs a very large family... I know most people tend to give him fewer than the other Weasleys, but the Percys in life are actually the ones who need a few children. Stops them from making their one kid a "project child." All my best friends in high school were project children, and I don't envy them that experience.

NM

[queenriley.livejournal.com]

You don't know me, but since I'm replying, you can technically know OF me. Now you can say you know one family that, both adults had siblings (I have an older sister, my husband has two younger siblings, one sister and one brother) and we have one child. Just one. And we don't want any more kids.

So now you know one person who had siblings and is perfectly happy with her 'only'.

Re:

[swampfaye.livejournal.com]

that's why i said 'people i know'

[queenriley.livejournal.com]

My mother was 33 when I was born, so don't worry too much about age. They make a big deal out of it on telly these days, but I think it's a scare tactic. I know women in their late 40's still having children the good old natural way.

As for family size, I already commented at the Quill, but there are a few things you brought up I'd like to add to.

Parents of only children, set them free

Parents of ANY children, onlies or multiples, set them free. For God's sake, set them FREE. Some children, despite having siblings, are relied on for care and decisions just because of their personality. It's not fair to the child. It's not fair to the siblings. It's not fair to anybody.

I was a lonely child

I have a sister and I was still a lonely child. It's part of being the youngest. She shunted me aside because I was too little or she just didn't want me around because I was her little sister. We did not have a good relationship growing up, and now we only get along if we live 1500 miles away... or spend less than 3 days together. More than 3 days and we go back to the old sibling rivalry that we always had. And we are voracious at it.

Jeff has a sister 4 years younger than him (and scarily enough, she's 2 weeks younger than me) and a brother 6 years younger than him. He was always lonely because they would play together and gang up against him. And his parents never did much since it was just sibling rivalry and "they can work it out themselves". He was very different in personality from his two siblings and therefore could not really play with them as a kid. They get along alright now, but it took until Jeff was 26 and married with a kid, his sister 22 and married, and his brother 19 and leaving for the military to get them to stop fighting.

Siblings are not always, in fact, usually not, all they are cracked up to be. You can be just as lonely having a sibling as you are without one. I was a much calmer and less stressful adolescant only once my sister went away for university. I have found that to be true in most (not all, some have a perfectly lovely relationship throughout their lives) people with siblings.

Finally, for all those parents of only kids who keep getting told that their kids will miss out or be socially challenged: PM me and I will give you some references with which you can SMAX them scientifically.

I'm VERY interested in this, as nearly everyone I know asks when I'm going to give Alex a brother or sister. :)

[themorningstarr.livejournal.com]

Call it a hunch, a feeling, faith, but for some reason, I just *know* you're going to have children. I just feel it. I can't shake the vision. It sits with me. I pray for you and your husband and for you all to have a child, and I feel at peace. That it will be done. I'll ask my mom to pray as well, and see if she feels the same peace. She's good at things like that.

And for what it's worth, I think you're going to be an excellent mum.

growing old

[celticqueenfan.livejournal.com]

On the subject of growing old and careing i know what it feals like because it sucks.

My mom has to care for my Grandmar all by her self as her brother lives in manchester and my dad cannot help for health resons.

my mom wanted 5 but ended up with three I think wauld suit me fine.

celtic Queen fan

[perceval.livejournal.com]

All prayers are welcome!

*hugs Kellie*